Post by Bianca Sabbato on Aug 13, 2020 0:33:52 GMT -5
There are times in a person's existence that can be described as life-defining when a small amalgamation of actions, situations, and chanced encounters seem to harmonize with each other in a semblance of a recognizable frame. Like a diffuse arrow made of singular moments, pointing to a single, small speck on the horizon.
And our innermost born duty is to follow this arrow towards this small speck that enthralls and charms us like the song of a distant siren. Why? Simply because only we can do it, as we are the only ones able to see this speck, able to be put into a position of pursuing it.
These moments are so rare, so outlandish in their conception and significance, that failing to abide by their call can be considered a sin against our own humanity itself.
This, I felt with a shuddering realization, was one of those moments.
I knocked on the door. Gently at first. No one came to open.
How many days had passed since that fateful night at the café? A month at least. A month of trying to keep living my life as if nothing had changed. Attending class, participating in the operation at Kerch when my name had been called. Trying to make new acquaintances and friends. Getting stronger, getting smarter, trying not very successfully to get my head out of my ass for once.
But something was amiss. Something most people would have dismissed as minor at best and woefully unimportant at worst.
On this date. I had spent as many days with Ryan avoiding me as we have spent hanging out together not so long ago. So no one could blame me if I decided to simply ignore the problem and move on with my life.
Make new friends and forget about his existence completely, nothing more than an old anecdote to adorn the reliquary of my twilight years.
But that was a lie, I know I would not forgive me if I had not come to that very same door on this anticlimactically sunny and warm afternoon.
Knocking harder on the door. I reminisced of Mary. Whom I have met again prior to this little venture. We talked about a lot of things, about Ryan, about ourselves and even about Holly.
Mary was a good woman. Great even. She was not perfect by any metric. But no one was in the end. Still, I could see how much of a positive influence she had been in Ryan’s life, and how deeply and truthfully she cared about him. She even had agreed on accompanying me to talk with the man itself.
But even though It may have been selfish on my part (Something I’m willing to admit any day of the week) I needed some time and space to talk to Ryan myself first, alone. She seemed to agree. Even proposing to wait at a prudential distance outside the room in case the boy decided to storm out after my initial assault.
I complied with her petition, she was still his girlfriend after all (or so we chose to believe) so she probably needed some time to get her head in the game. It would come down to me to tenderize Ryan first before she could come in for the final cut.
And the door remained silent.
That wouldn't do. With a scowl. I proceeded to knock again, way louder to the point I was almost punching the door. I was just about to bring the whole thing down when I heard footsteps approaching from the other side.
Hastily. I called my earth onto me. Creating a small step for me set foot on and be able to talk with the man at the same level (both literally and metaphorically)
Just as I was finishing, Ryan finally opened the door with sluggishness and disinterest not proper of someone as uptight as him. Or at least, of the Ryan I knew. Maybe this Ryan was a different one, completely alien to the concept I had about him, but no less of a Ryan for it.
I had to suppress an exclamation of shock at the heavy bags adorning his eyes, and his way of looking at me, one I would more likely associate with a fresh corpse in a morgue than with a living individual.
Merely arching a brow. He seemed to be waiting for me to start this conversation. Even from my unusual point of view. I didn’t fail to notice a few things off about him.
Even in his more genuine attempts to dress informal, he had always worn at least a light blazer over a nice shirt, not to mention his hair had always been unpolluted and well-groomed. Now, he wore it loose and unkempt and dressed in nothing more complicated that some pants, a pair of unpolished shoes, and a wrinkled shirt not properly tuck in inside his pants.
Returning my gaze to his void expression and lifeless eyes. I decided I had made enough of a preamble and decided to get the show on the road.
Holding my gaze over his own. I beamed meekly at him... Just before morphing my expression into a frown and delivering a straight punch right to his face.
Every person has different forms of showing affection. Of expressing how much they care about someone else. For better or for worse. This was also a part of how I love.
Once fist met face. The huntsman was sent tumbling down into the floor, his glasses almost rolling all the way under his bed, and his tall frame now a mere tangle of limbs resting in the cold ground. Grunting, the boy started trying to get on his feet. Giving me enough time to give a proper look to his room.
And oh boy, if his clothes were rugged. His room was a fucking battleground. I was momentarily reminded of the day I set foot inside of the room Jade was cleaning after it was thrashed by an unknown party. Only now, I could be pretty sure about who was responsible for this debacle.
The only semblance of order in his room was Aarden, hanging ominously over the wall, like a sentinel of a bygone era, keeping a watchful eye over us...
And his table, neatly clean and organized. Only a half-assembled pistol disrupting the monotony of the plain wood... That was strange... I didn't know Ryan used a pistol...
A sharp pang in my heart almost overwhelmed me at that moment. As if someone had ripped a chunk of flesh out of my chest. Recovering as best as I could, I exorcised the ghastly thoughts from my mind as best as I could.
Everything in due time.
Walking past Ryan’s fallen body. I made my way towards his bed, it was a mess much like himself. But I didn’t care, I straightened the bed sheets a little and sprawled myself on top of it. Belly up and gaze dead set in the ceiling.
-What the fuck dude? You have been avoiding me like a pest for the past month, you don’t answer my messages, you don’t talk back to me at school. Nor accept any of my invitations to hang out... Ever since that night at the café-
I chastized in a completely unabashed accusatory tone. I had more than one bone to pick with the young man and you could bet your ass I was not going to sugarcoat it for him. For anyone, to be honest. I never liked people tiptoeing around their issues instead of facing them head-on.
-Look, dude. If you don’t wanna have anything to do with me. You better tell me, so I stop following you around like a street dog you gave a piece of bread- Yes, although leaving me alone to deal with Holly (To deal with his fuck up, to be more precise) was something that still stung bitterly at me even after all these days. It was the further humiliation and anxiety of pursuing him to no avail the thing that really hurt me and pissed me off.
It was almost like being a rubber ball, bouncing off a stupid wall some mad bugger had put up. And not for the first time. I began to understand a little better where Holly was coming from, something probably made even worse since her feelings for Ryan were of a romantic nature. Attitudes like this were responsible for creating such an ugly feeling in someone...
The feeling of being ignored on purpose. Of someone simply trying to kick you out of their life without having the guts to say it straight to your face.
But...
But those were just my feelings. And even though I sometimes was as dense as a rock. I understood that for Ryan to be like this, something must have been really messing with his heart and his brain... And at the end of the day. Ryan was my friend... And right now. It looked like my friend needed my help.
-What happens, Ryan? Despite the obvious... I want you to talk with me about it. I’d like to be able to be here for ya, you know? You've been distant, not only from me, from everyone else too. And you got me worried... And I’m not the only one you had worried sick-
Of course, there was me. But I wasn’t nearly as important as some other people might be. Holly had been worried to the point of despair before I managed to trick her into believing everything was fine... After tonight, I would have liked to be able to tell her with a straight face that everything was truly fine.
There was also Mary. When I had sought her, I was surprised to know that even her worried messages were being ignored.
And knowing Ryan’s history, she was more than relieved to know he was still alive and kicking... I feel like I don’t need to tell you how alarming that notion is.
I knew he was also friends with the aptly named Jack Dawson, and he probably also had some other few acquaintances he hadn’t told me about.
Not a lot of names, sadly. Ryan had very few people in his life to worry about him... But he was doing his darn best to push away the precious few that did. And that was something I was bent on helping remedy even if it cost me pride and tears to do so.
-So, what is it going to be? Are we going to talk this through like grown-ups, or are you gonna keep running? And I warn you, you’ll have a really hard time convincing me to go away if that’s what you're looking for- I called out, sitting on the bed and finally deigning to look at him straight in the face. A very noticeable ting of worry managing to break trough my rehearsed facade of immutability
Swallowing hard. I took a deep breath and prepared.
Prepared, for that dreadful notion, that breathtaking, mind-numbing, stomach-turning, mouth-drying, skin-rising, eye-watering act of courage.
-Tell me... Do you still consider me your friend Ryan? Because even if you don’t. I still want to help you... You were my first friend in... In years. And it hurts me seeing you like this-
I prepared, to fully open my heart after almost forgetting how to do so. Because I believed this was worthy. Everything else... It didn’t seem to matter right now.
1920/1920 Words.
