TRP is a post-Great War AU RWBY RP set in Mistral City and Haven Academy with no canons, no rank claims, no maidens, and no god interference. We offer a progression system and site-wide events that change the setting based on player actions.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
She didn't want to be here.
Not in the office of a stranger, who was supposed to replace her teacher(an exercise in futility- you can't just replace a person.)
Not in Haven, where Shadecloak had provoked her until she broke, and where Colton had it out for her now, and where so many bad memories just kept surfacing, over and over again, the more she thought of Rochdale, of her outburst, of everything.
Not in Mistral. She hated Mistral.
At first, she wanted to love it, and embrace it, as her new home, for better or worse.
But Mistral was awful.
She just kept thinking about that moment, when she just knew she was going to die there, thousands of miles from home, scared and alone.
The despair was crushing her. Even after she'd gotten back to the academy, she hadn't felt like her old self. She just wanted to go home. Vermel had stopped by her hospital room to try and cheer her up, and Doc had been surprisingly gentle and kind, considering their previous interactions. And she had Aegle again.
She should have felt better.
Should have.
But she didn't. And she couldn't. Not after everything that had happened. Not after Rochdale. Not after Qiu'li. Not after Shadecloak. She missed her drum. She was forced to leave it in her room when she wasn't training or actively on a mission, and she was barred from the latter until she could prove that she was in a good state of mind again. According to Shadecloak, she could have her "weapon" privileges restored when the new counselor, Lynn, proclaimed her "not-angry" or whatever her mandatory therapy sessions were supposed to accomplish.
Carmim was a wreck. She could barely walk.
That much was made certain, as she stumbled to the new counselor's office. Without her drum, she was horribly off-balance, and although her wounds were healed, her legs were still wobbly and hard to control.
It was a pitiful, sad, sight, as the little redhead didn't even make it past Lynn's door, before she overstepped, throwing herself forward too hard, expecting that there was an extra 30 pounds at her side that just wasn't there. She tripped, stumbled over her own feet, and banged her head hard on the door, announcing her presence in no uncertain terms.
"Ow." A quiet, sulky, admission of defeat. She slowly picked herself back up, leaning heavily on the door to stand. It was almost hard to believe that this tiny, sad, pitiful shell of a girl was the same Carmim Clover that had blasted a hole through a reinforced steel wall, by accident, and physically wrestled with Sabyrs several times her size.
Moving slowly and carefully, she opened the door, and entered the counselor's office, and waited for her new teacher to tell her to sit. Listlessly, she introduced herself, staring at the floor, not willing to meet Lynn's eyes. She just wanted to go home. She didn't want to be there anymore. Leaving Vacuo was a terrible idea.
"Hi. I am Carmim. Professor Shadecloak said t'at I was supposed to come talk to you."
She rubbed at her head where the door had so viciously attacked her, as she spoke, quiet and withdrawn. Not at all her usual cheerful self.
Hopefully that Carmim was still in there, somewhere, underneath all of the sadness and self-loathing.
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: Feb 24, 2020 16:19:46 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F
Lynn had just begun to get settled into her new office at Haven, while she’d technically been staff here for a little while she hadn’t had the time to sit down and organize and decorate - mostly decorate - her office. Lynn had never had an office before, not one like this anyways, but she loved to fill spaces with the things that she loved and having an extra spot to do it aside from her home was wonderful.[break] The office had become a greenhouse of sorts, filled with plants of all varieties from all different parts of Remnant and crammed into pots or planters or little dirt beds scattered around the room. Her favorite were cacti, she had six on her desk alone, each a different type, size, and shape. She had a massive fish tank that took up the entire back window, blocking the view outside and replacing it with fish of all breeds swimming around in their tiny ocean, complete with all the correct vegetation and corals and rocks and snails to make it a functioning, if tiny, ecosystem.[break][break]
The last thing Lynn had expected that day as she was in the middle of finally getting around to the actual work oriented parts of the office, namely the large stack of paperwork she was expected to do, was a loud thump at her door and a small, sad looking student to come stumbling inside. She introduced herself as Carmim, and everything clicked even before she explained that Shadecloak had sent her. This was the girl that had the outburst during the assembly the other day, something that Lynn had long since concluded was mostly Shadecloak’s fault, and had been sent here as something that she was quite positive Shadecloak saw as punishment and damage control rolled into one. [break][break]
Lynn jumped up from her desk a bit too quickly, sending papers flying all over the place around her desk, not that she seemed to mind as she walked over to the door, shut it, and placed a hand on Carmim’s back. She spoke with a serious expression that was totally incongruous with the cheerful tone of voice that she used. ”Well hello Carmim! I’m glad you came to visit, even if it wasn’t your own choice. I’m sure we will be able to sort everything out and help you get back to your old self in no time, please, come sit down. Would you like some taffy?” Lynn guided Carmim to the ocean themed plush chair that currently cradled a huge metal rainstick which she removed and gestured for Carmim to sit in its place.[break][break]
Lynn moved to set the rainstick against the wall in the corner of the room and then came around to sit at her desk. The papers were in the way still, so she slid all the ones that had managed to remain on the desk straight back off it again, clearing the space for Lynn to lean forward over the desk and examine the small redhead. ”I heard about what happened. Both at Rochdale and at the assembly. You and I will talk through everything that we can to sort out what the problem is, and then we will work together to fix it, alright? Oh! Goodness me, look at me all business and I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Lynn Morgan, I’m new and I’ll be taking over the red class in light of recent events. I don’t think I can ever truly fill the gap left by the previous instructor, but I will make a me-shaped mark on the hole as I try and squeeze my way through it.” As she spoke, Lynn rummaged beneath her desk and brought up a large seashell filled with tiny wax-paper wrapped taffy balls and slid it across the table at Carmim. Candy fixed everything.[break][break]
”When you’re ready to start, it would be very helpful if you could introduce yourself and tell me whatever you can about you. And then, only if you feel like you can do it without causing yourself more harm, I would like you to explain to me what happened at the assembly in your own words, and what you feel about it now. If we need to address Rochdale we will, but I think some things are best left untouched unless necessary.” She gave a soft, caring smile and flipped over her rainstick to fill the room with that soft tinkling rain as she gave Carmim time to settle and think.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
Carmim didn't actually notice Lynn's appearance first, as she dejectedly trudged into the office. Her attention was instead drawn to the decor. It felt a bit like the Gardenin Club room, with all of the plants around, and the cacti were certainly a very warm, familiar, touch- or should have been. Except that they, along with the rainstick propped up on what looked like a very fluffy chair, just reminded her of home, and by extension, how badly she missed being there.
Unconsciously, Carmim flinched a little at the sudden movement from her peripheral, as Lynn jumped out of her seat- images of Sabyrs and angry villagers in Rochdale, and Beowolves and Ursai in Bualani unpleasantly filling her memory. And again, at the light touch of the counselor, whose face she still wasn't prepared to look up at; she was afraid that Lynn, like Shadecloak, would only be cruel, and berate her for her failures in the former village, that she had doomed to die.
It was a flawed assumption, she realized quickly, as the cheery voice filled her ears, musical and pleasant. Very much like her mother's voice, except for the accent- she couldn't place it, but she didn't quite sound Mistrallian.
It almost made her feel a little worse.
She didn't think she deserved to be bullied by Shadecloak, sure, but she also didn't think she deserved to be treated with any kindness. Not after everything that had happened. She blamed herself. Even when she knew it wasn't her fault. Couldn't she think both things? Why did it only have to be one or the other? Either way, Lynn was being far too nice to her.
But she wasn't about to turn her away. The fact was, aside from her brother, Aegle, and Solomon, it was the first genuine kindness that anyone had shown her since she'd gotten back to Haven. It was almost enough to make her cry, and she could feel her eyes starting to well up, just to the point of tension, before any tears actually fell.
"Okay... T'ank you." It was a soft, sad, acceptance of the offered taffy. She wasn't actually sure if she'd ever had taffy before, but she couldn't very well turn it down, even if she had tried it, and didn't like it- not when it was offered to her so nicely. She walked with Lynn to the plush chair, silently grateful for the assistance, as she was still finding it difficult to walk, as off-balance as she felt, and sat down as the rainstick was moved, her eyes following it from the chair to the wall.
As Lynn spoke, Carmim finally braved a glance up at her.
She looked a lot younger than she probably was, considering her position and all- then again, Carmim wasn't exactly sure how old you had to be to work at a Huntsman Academy. She had darker skin, not much lighter than her own complexion, and neat black markings on her face. They reminded Carmim of the sort of ceremonial face-paint her village's elders would wear at times. She was really pretty, with wavy teal hair, and a warm, friendly, face. And she definitely looked at home in the semi-aquatic, cactus-filled, environment of her office.
And yet, even with a good first impression, the word "Rochdale" shot down whatever positive feelings Carmim might have had.
So they were going to talk until she figured out what the "problem" was? That was both easy and impossible.
Easy, because the problem was her. Carmim. The one who failed to stop Qiu'li, failed to stop the Grimm, failed to save Rochdale. She was assigned to a team with easily the two strongest students in the Academy, which seemed to imply that she had to be one of the strongest too, and she couldn't even do anything.
Nothing except nearly get herself killed in a pointless, worthless, fight. She hadn't even been able to save the villagers guarding the Southwest perimeter... While she was stuck, bleeding out in the snow, two Sabyrs just trotted in and massacred everyone, before anyone could stop them.
If she'd just been strong... Just been faster... Just been better...
She didn't feel like a Huntress. She didn't even feel like a good person, let alone a good Huntress.
The mention of Van Sange didn't help her mood either; his death was still very much a sore spot for her, and even as the counselor tried to deftly dodge the thought Carmim had had since she was first told to come see her, the little welling of tears finally broke, and two silent streams trickled down her face, with no real response from the redhead- she'd cried too much in the past few days to notice that it was happening again.
She suddenly felt like she couldn't look at Lynn again. Embarrassed by the tears, or the despondent look on her face, or both, or maybe something else entirely. She was in her thoughts, and they weren't nearly as kind as the teal-haired woman leafing through the desk in front of her.
A big shell was set before her, filled with what she could only assume to be the taffy she had mentioned. She eyed them curiously for a moment, before picking one out, to inspect more closely as Lynn continued speaking. It was bright red, like her hair and eyes, with a pink swirl, thin and a little asymmetrical, through the middle. Having dealt with some of Mistral's candies before, she knew that the wax paper was not, in fact, edible, so she carefully unwrapped the candy, before tentatively placing it on her tongue.
Her face lit up, just a bit, in spite of the little trickle of tears, now mostly drying.
It was sweet, but a little spicy. Cinnamon? It tasted like cinnamon. And it was so soft and chewy... She let it melt in her mouth as Lynn finished speaking and moved to flip over the rainstick.
The sound was soothing and gentle, and much steadier than the ones she was used to. If she had to guess, she'd figure it was full of little metal or plastic pellets, instead of the dried beans and wooden beads that filled the kind of rainsticks she'd seen before.
She didn't really say anything for a moment or two, as her new Class Faculty Member waited patiently.
Finally, almost absently, but with a sliver more smile in her voice than she'd been able to come up with thus far, she broke the silence. "I like your cactuses. And t'e rainstick. My papa makes t'em at his workshop, in Vacuo- t'at's where I am from- except his are made of wood, and sound a little different. I grew up helping him make drums and t'ings like rainsticks. In a little village, kind of like..." She stopped before she said the name, but it was clear she was thinking of Rochdale. Another lull as she seemed to think of what else she could say. She'd said to introduce herself, right? It was a little difficult to do, with her seeming reluctance to say much, or look directly at Lynn. But she did feel more at ease than she had when she'd walked in. So eventually, after taking a second candy- brown and sweet, like syrup- she spoke up again.
"I miss Vacuo. I t'ought t'at Mistral was going to be a new home for me, and I did make a lot of new friends here, but..." She trailed off again, as fresh tears started to form, and her words choked up just a bit. "I do not t'ink I belong here... And after t'e assembly, and what happened in... I do not t'ink many of my friends want me here anymore eit'er."
She felt like she should say more, but she wasn't sure if there was much more to say- some kind of introduction... It was definitely a far cry from her normal, would-be cheerful, rattling-off of whatever fun things she could say about herself. She didn't feel very cheerful, though, and definitely didn't think anything about herself was exactly "fun," at the moment...
So she just stopped talking for a bit, hands in her lap as she stared down at her feet, contemplating another taffy. Was this what therapy was normally like...?
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: Feb 26, 2020 5:24:51 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F
Lynn had no problems waiting for as long as Carmim felt she needed to before speaking. They weren’t in any rush, in fact the longer this took the better the results would probably be so it was a good thing that her guest was taking a long time to think things over properly before responding. She had taken some Taffy which made Lynn grin quite wide, especially when it seemed to help put Carmim at ease and cheer her up a little bit. It was always nice to see people like the food she made.[break] Eventually Carmim spoke, giving a brief introduction of herself, briefer than Lynn would have liked but she could work with it. And a brief run through of at least one of the concerns that Carmim was dealing with. Easy stuff first, they would get to Rochdale later. Lynn planned to delay talking about that for as long as possible, she knew just how awful experiences like that could be. And for someone who wasn’t even a proper adult yet? Lynn found herself shaking her head at nothing, how had Shadecloak and the other professors thought it was a good idea?[break][break]
After Carmim finished speaking, Lynn stood up again. She trotted over the papers scattered on the floor, not seeming to mind as she crumpled some of them with her feet. She picked up her rainstick and brought it back over to the desk, sliding the massive metal thing over to Carmim with a smile as she gestured for the girl to take a look at it, hold it if she wanted to. It was an odd thing, having two handles along the side that would allow someone to hold it like a minigun if they wanted to, and it seemed to be at least 50% hollow as there was a huge gaping hole on the bottom of the stick.[break] ”I’m glad you like it! It’s name is tidal wave, my own personal weapon that I created wayyyyy back in my academy days. Would you believe Shadecloak was a cheerleader back then? You should have seen her, all preppy and in pink. It was adorable.” She giggled, a light almost airy thing before shaking her head and returning to something nearing seriousness. ”The sound isn’t actually coming from beads like I wanted, it’s a recording of a real rain stick that I used to have. But there wasn’t room for the beads with all the other stuff in there. Long story short it’s a glorified water gun! That’s probably why the ones your dad made sounded different.” Lynn fell silent while Carmim looked at the rainstick, and if she hadn’t taken it yet then she remained quiet for even longer to give Carmim a chance to feel comfortable enough to pick it up.[break][break]
But eventually she spoke again, getting a bit more serious again - at least her face did, her voice remained much the same as she grabbed a piece of toffy for herself and popped it into her mouth. ”Being homesick is perfectly normal, especially for someone your age dear. It’s an important part of becoming yourself though, to work through that feeling and manage it… I still miss home from time to time, I miss my family. But I’ve been around the block a few times now and I understand how to work with that feeling, use it as inspiration to do great things and help people. You can do the same. You’re a passionate girl, from what I’ve seen even in this short little session so far you seem to feel things very strongly, use that love of home as the dust to power you to success!” Lynn grabbed another piece of taffy from the seashell, rummaging around for a specific flavor that she wanted - watermelon. The best Taffy flavor.[break][break]
”What makes you think you don’t belong in Mistral? You said you have friends here? Friends won’t leave you behind for one incident, especially one that our lovely Shadecloak is as much responsible for as you are. When things like this happen, disasters that we feel responsible for and especially ones that we can look back on and realize what we did wrong, the first thing a person's mind likes to do is blame themselves and use that negative energy to make everything seem like it’s awful. It will try and trick you into believing that your friends hate you now, that you’re useless as a huntsman, that you should quit. It’s a spiral that just keeps getting worse, and the best way that I know to get out of it is proving yourself wrong! And that’s what we’re going to try and do here, if I do my job right anyways.”[break][break]
Lynn leaned back in her seat, adjusting her sunhat as she went to make sure it didn’t fall straight off the back of the chair. Papers were fine, but her hat? That could never touch the ground.[break] ”So yes, why don’t you think you belong here? Work me through your thoughts as you think of them so we’re on the same lifeboat here. And a view from your perspective of what happened in the assembly might help too. Trust me, I want you to have your drum back as much as you do. I’d hate to be without Tidal Wave, I’m sure you’re the same.”
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
Two big crimson eyes, slightly puffy from tears, fixated on the rainstick being presented to her, with something akin to wonder and amazement. As soon as she was sure it was okay, she took the tube delicately into her hands, and examined it closely, inspecting the instrument with a keen eye for craftsmanship.
Tidal Wave. Her weapon.
She felt honored, being trusted to hold any weapon at all after what had happened the other day. But even more so, as it dawned on her that she and Lynn were a lot alike in that regard- their weapons weren't just weapons. Something she doubted someone like Shadecloak- whose name she visibly winced at, as it was mentioned- would understand.
She was positive that cheerleader Shadecloak was just as cruel and mean as professor Shadecloak. And to think that when she'd first arrived to Haven, she had actually liked her...
She gave the rainstick a gentle shake, and was confused at first as to why it wasn't making any sound, but as she listened to Lynn explain it to her, she nodded slowly in realization. That did explain a lot. It was an electronic rainstick- she'd never imagined she would ever come up with a concept like that, let alone see one in real life. It was neat. She figured there had to be some sort of trigger for the sound, even though, not being very familiar with technology, she had no idea what it was. It seemed like it had turned on when Lynn flipped it upside down, so carefully, Carmim tilted it on its end, trying to get the sound to work. If her theory was right, then she would actually crack a smile for the first time since she'd arrived in the office- a small one, but a smile. If not, she'd continue fiddling with it until she either got it to make sound, or Lynn took it back from her.
Regardless, as Lynn addressed her again, she glanced up from the rainstick, listening carefully to the teal-haired woman's words.
It was an encouraging message, and one that she was definitely needing to hear- she hadn't doubted that homesickness was a normal thing to feel, really. Aegle spoke fondly of Solitas, Holly talked about her family in Mato Mato, and so on. But just because it was commonplace, didn't make it easier to deal with, and she was glad Lynn mentioned that as well. As the counselor grabbed another taffy, so did Carmim- purple. It tasted a little weird, not like any fruit she'd ever really had. But it wasn't bad. Just tasted like whatever purple tasted like, she supposed.
But neither taffy nor the rainstick could stave off the pain that came up as Lynn reminded her of her friends.
Friends that did leave her because of what happened. Not even just the hole in the wall- Rochdale too.
Her best friend, in the whole world, aside from Aegle, had gotten mad at her and wasn't speaking to her anymore over hearing news of Qiu'li's death and how it had happened. Holly hadn't talked to her since then, and she was too scared to ask her why. Colton had never exactly been her friend before, but lately, he seemed to have had a seething hatred for her. And even though they hadn't done anything to her, she was sad and a little hurt that when Shadecloak had been egging her on until she broke, only two people stood up for her.
They were her friends. The ones she knew she could count on.
And even then- Solomon was about as friendly as a crate of shoe leather. They'd had a rocky first meeting, which had thankfully somehow settled, in following months, into something more akin to a friendship than not, at least on her end, but he was still rude and mean sometimes, and perpetually grumpy. He'd still stood up for her, calling Shadecloak out in front of everybody, which she appreciated more than she could ever express to him, but the fact remained that he wasn't the kind of friend she could go to with her problems to just talk about them.
She did still have Aegle.
She'd always have Aegle. She was the first and only person she'd specifically asked for when Vermel had come to visit her in the hospital- the last thought she remembered having before she'd faded into unconsciousness, and the first word she'd said upon waking up in Mistral.
Without Aegle, she wouldn't have been talking to Lynn at all. She'd needed that one ray of light to force her to go to her therapy session- needed that comforting hand and gentle support to survive being torn down by Shadecloak- needed that one fervent, persistent, thought in her mind to stave off the cold hand of death in Rochdale. It was impossible to picture what life was like a year ago- she needed Aegle, to breathe.
She'd returned to staring down at her lap again, as she sat and thought about everything Lynn was saying. She thought for a long time before she felt like she could say anything again, and when she did, she found that the most she could do was raise her gaze slightly from her legs to the rainstick still cradled in her arms.
It was a great question- why didn't she belong at Haven? It was something she thought about often. More than she wanted to admit to herself, and even before everything had happened with Rochdale and Shadecloak. Back during Midterms. Back during the Argus Limited. Doubt and insecurity seldom came from one source, after all, and rarely did it come to a boil so quickly. "Well..."
Hmm. "I feel like I only make t'ings worse." Her voice was small, and a little shaky, but she continued in spite of it. "Everyt'ing. I was not able to protect Nik when he was partner on t'e Argus Limited mission. He almost died because of me... And t'en, during Midterms- I was so upset about my rank, t'at I- I almost got myself killed, until Eva saved me- and now she hates me, because of Qiu'li- and t'en I tried to help Solomon, but I could not do anyt'ing, except watch him fight until he was hurt really badly... And t'en I almost got into a fight wit' Nasrin and Heidi because I was mad at... I do not even know, really, who I was mad at, I was just mad. And t'en all of us almost got killed. Which seems like a running t'eme t'at day..."
She sighed. And to think- all of that was practically ancient history by this point. It only got worse from there.
Temporarily, she skipped over the worst of her most recent traumatic experiences. "And t'en, just t'e ot'er day... Shadecloak was saying so many horrible t'ings, and she was blaming me for everyt'ing... And I was angry. I do not know why I was angry- she was right, wasn't she...? I can only do two t'ings, eit'er break everyt'ing, and blow up, like I did wit' t'e wall, and in t'e forest, or I just freeze up when I should not."
"Like in..." She bit her lip. It was still a fresh wound, and the word alone threatened to tear it wide open again. "In Rochdale...I did not stop Qiu'li...It happened so fast... And t'en Argent, and Kishka..." She couldn't continue- her breathing was getting faster, and she was crying more, and more uncontrollably as memories flashed through her mind.
All unconnected and wildly inconsistent imagery, each vivid memory as traumatic as the last.
She wasn't sure if it was snow, or sand under her feet, but she could see and smell the blood mixed into it, and for a minute, she had forgotten that she was in Lynn Morgan's office, safe and sound, seated in a comfortable plush seat, and not surrounded by Grimm and bodies.
And then, as soon as she was gone, she was back. She sharply inhaled, staring down at her hands, eyes wild, but calming back down. "I... I am sorry..." She started to continue once more, but her mouth wouldn't move, so she just stayed silent.
All she was good at- uncontrollable destruction, or inconvenient freezing.
If it wasn't apparent to Lynn exactly why she was unfit to be a Huntress, then she doubted she would ever really get it... She just wanted to go home.
Except she wasn't even sure if she had a home to go back to, after all that time...
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: Mar 9, 2020 5:30:33 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F
Lynn watched Carmim speak with a quiet seriousness that seemed more permanent this time. The pleasant introductions were over and now Carmim was relating all the reasons that she felt like she wasn't fit to be here, or to be a huntsman. Lynn didn't want to make light of any of this, or about how they made Carmim feel. Especially the talk of Rochdale. She watched the girl freeze as she spoke about it, showing more and more signs of post traumatic stress with each word. There were few doubts in Lynn's mind that her patient would be having flashbacks, if not right now then when she was alone or when she slept at night. It was so much for a child to have to deal with, and being chastised for her reaction to the trauma she experienced hadn't helped anything. [break][break]
Shadecloak likely had her reasons for doing what she did, Lynn was positive that the professor thought everything she said and did was in the best interest of the school because that was the kind of person she was. Unfortunately they also meant she did things with much less delicacy than she really should have, and made decisions based on the most obvious solutions rather than the ones that took effort and time. [Break] In the case of Carmim it was taking away her drum, which made sense based on a surface view but it did little to actually help the kid and if anything made dealing with it more difficult. [break][break]
”There is nothing for you to be sorry about, child.” She reached across the table to place a hand on one of Carmim's if they were in reach, hoping to provide a bit of comfort to the distraught girl. She spoke softly, without quite as much laughter in her voice as usual. It was serious adult Lynn time. The worst time. [break] ”Dear, if everyone was removed from hunter academy when they made a mistake that got someone hurt we wouldn't have a single huntsman or huntress in all the kingdoms. Remember, you're in training. If you were perfect from the start then we wouldn't need schools now would we?” She paused for a moment, grabbing herself another piece of taffy and rolling it around in her free hand as she continued. [break] ”Now, I don't know what went on during the midterms, and I can't say I know anything about that train you were on. But would you say that you have learned something from those experiences? Because, and take this from a woman who has made more than her fair share of mistakes, the best way to learn and progress is to fail… As for Rochdale.." [break][break]
This was the hard part, but it had to be addressed. They had to get through the worst things to properly deal with all the rest of it. Children shouldn't have this kind of trauma, and yet here she was, helping a girl process watching hundreds die and then being held almost directly responsible for the cause of that by one of the teachers that is supposed to be supporting her. [break] ”Rochdale wasn't something you could be expected to handle perfectly, that the group of you was able to get people out to safety at all was amazing, truly. The Qiu'li issue was also something that no one expected, not even Shadecloak in all her wisdom was expecting that or she wouldn't have let him come. There is no reason you should have had to be on guard around one of your own teammates. It was not your fault, alright?” Another pause, this time to actually eat the now warm taffy that she had been handling. [break] "I need you to tell me if you ever have flashbacks to Rochdale. I think you may have post traumatic stress. But we can treat that, I just need to know if you meet the symptoms. But if you aren't comfortable then please just tell me and we can change topics. Your comfort is the most important thing.”
Post by Carmim Clover on Mar 14, 2020 19:58:38 GMT -5
❝
AURA: 95% TAG: @morefeels NOTES: lynn doin her best :luv: WORDS: 889 | TWC: 4303
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
Lynn's hand was warm.
A sharp contrast to the aching chill that had run through the small girl's entirety as images of the past aimed to haunt and torment her. And her words, though notably different, were just as warm and kind. They were all true, too- she had a point, and it was hard to argue.
It was all enough to make her feel a little nauseous and brought on a fresh wave of tears, though from the way she'd been crying the whole time they'd been talking, it wouldn't really be that unusual, at that point.
She didn't deserve to hear those nice things.
Or maybe she did?
It was confusing. Everything was. She didn't know what to feel, or how to react, or how to even move forward from everything. One second, she felt like the bad guy, another second, she'd done nothing wrong. Shadecloak blamed her. So why shouldn't everyone? Why wasn't everyone...?
She didn't want to be hated. But it would make things a lot simpler to deal with.
At the sound of the word, Rochdale, she visibly flinched. It wasn't something she wanted to discuss, but she knew it was going to be brought up anyways. That was what all of this was about, wasn't it? How she hadn't done enough. How she'd let Qiu'li get away with hurting people, and then she'd sent Qiu'li to his death.
She had.
Personally.
It was her that had launched him towards that giant Grimm. She had done it, a part of her hoping that he would die. She was angry. Maybe rightfully so, but none of that mattered anymore. Because he was dead, no matter what she'd seen in her dreams on the airship. He was dead, because of her. All of those people... She'd killed them too.
The people Qiu'li hurt. The ones the Grimm ripped apart. The ones they left behind. The ones Argent and Kishka had killed, to get her to safety. The guards she'd been unable to protect from the Sabyrs, because she hadn't even been able to help herself.
She was a murderer. She was a monster.
She was just like Qiu'li.
She knew she wasn't.
She looked up as Lynn mentioned flashbacks. The expression on her face might as well have been an answer in its own right- surprised, and a little curious. How had she known? Aside from the one she just witnessed, of course...
And why did it matter...?
She nodded. "You mean, seeing t'ings from t'e past, like I am t'ere again...? T'at has been happening for a long time, before R... Rochdale."
Nearly two years, as a matter of fact.
A little longer, in truth. Ever since the attack on Buulani. And ever since then, it was like new memories just added to the old ones- it was no longer as simple as the bloody sand, the scream hitched in her throat, the snarling jaws of a Beowolf, and her uncle's death, over and over again.
It was the sound of the train. The damp forest floor, with Eva. The screech of Nevermore chicks. The insistent beeping from Aegle's wrist, and the panic when she thought she'd lost her.
The anguished shrieks of a man with legs like rope. The terror in his eyes. Colton's wrath and fury, bearing down on her. The scent of death, blood on the ice, the Sabyr's teeth and claws...
Her stomach ached, and this time, it wasn't nausea, but the searing hot memory emanating from her scarred body. From where the Grimm had rendered flesh and bone. She felt the cold, numbing, bite of the Mistrallian winter in her bones. The morbid conflict between acceptance and denial of her then-assured fate.
Flashbacks were about as frequent for her as the sight of the shattered moon each night.
She wasn't even really sure what post-traumatic stress was, honestly. But if it had to do with those horrible feelings and memories, and Lynn could fix them, then comfortable or not, she was going to tell her whatever she needed to know. No matter how uncomfortable Rochdale made her feel.
At the very least, talking about her flashbacks was a welcome reprieve from having to contend with what had happened with the wall, in that classroom.
She would much rather go on talking about how she had trouble sleeping, because of those same moments on repeat in her mind, than deal with the fact that no matter what Lynn said about anything else, she knew for a fact that most of her friends wanted nothing to do with her any longer.
And yet, even through her sadness and mixed emotions, Lynn's earlier comment had sparked something in her. What had she learned from everything? From all of those moments that she regretted, and wanted desperately to redo?
From Buulani, she'd learned that the world can be cruel and harsh, but there will always be those who can make it a little easier to live in. From Argus, she'd learned to never underestimate an enemy. From the forest, she'd learned that she wasn't alone. From Rochdale, she'd learned...
She wasn't sure yet It didn't feel like she'd learned anything. All she'd taken away from Rochdale was pain and regret.
She stared into the taffy bowl, but suddenly, she'd lost her appetite.
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: Mar 14, 2020 19:59:23 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F
It was so sad to hear that a girl this young had been having flashbacks like this, untreated flashbacks at that, for so long. Rochdale was one thing, but for something to have happened earlier in her life that also prompted PTSD meant that Carmim had truly had a difficult life, even for someone from Vacuo. There were ways to fix it, but usually those ways were simply teaching proper coping methods and how to address things or move on as needed. The problem for Carmim was that she had been living with them for so long without any coping methods that they were starting at a huge disadvantage. It was unfair to Carmim that this had happened to her, so unfair. [break] ”Well dear, flashbacks like that are usually because of PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder. Basically to get through all those complicated words, it means something bad happened to you and your brain wasn’t ready for it or wasn’t able to handle it. So what it does is it goes back to relive those events to try and figure them out, or process them. This happens with all sorts of things! Like if you ever remember something embarrassing that you did forever ago, that is the same process.” Lynn took a breath and squeezed Carmims hand lightly before releasing it and steepling her fingers. Of course that didn’t last very long, Lynn spoke with her hands very actively and soon they were moving with every word, miming out what she was saying. [Break] [break]
”Normally it’s a fine thing to have happen, but PTSD happens when that process keeps going and never gets better. I can’t make them go away, but what we CAN do is teach you coping methods to use whenever a flashback happens. The first step for a lot of it is getting you to understand that it wasn’t your fault, and that you are still a good person despite some of the mistakes you made or the bad things you saw. We did that already. We talked about what you learned from each of them. That’s a good thing to focus on, turn the flashbacks into a learning opportunity and don’t let them drag you into the negative thoughts again. Use the learning as a diversion. That’s my personal favorite way to do things, but there are plenty more!” [Break] Lynn spoke with confidence, like she had seen many people with these exact problems before or perhaps experienced them herself. It was far from a rare issue among Huntsmen, though Lynn sincerely wished that it was less common among students. They didn’t need to suffer like that, not yet. [Break] [Break]
”Another thing we can do that might help you, since you come from a culture that likes storytelling and things like that, is we can have you write out what you see in the flashbacks, and then expand on those events with detail from what happened in reality. Then what we can do from there is discuss how aspects of it were beyond your control or otherwise a learning experience and using that knowledge we can work our way through each vision and give you a way for your brain to process them in a healthy way instead of making each one a terrifying or traumatic experience! What we use is up to you, dear. I can suggest more options as well if none of those are okay. Or we can stop, all you have to do is say the word and we will go to happier topics. You being comfortable is important.”
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
Post-traumatic stress disorder...?
She looked up at Lynn with big puffy, teary, eyes, as she explained what it was. It was a relief, actually. Knowing that there was a word for what she went through. That meant that other people did too, and if they got through it, then maybe she could too... She thought of Solomon. What he'd talked about during Midterms with her. What she'd seen him deal with. He had that too, she was sure of it.
And he was strong enough to keep going despite it, right?
She didn't think she was. Or well, she didn't know if she was. She hoped she might be, someday, and the more Lynn talked about it, the more she realized that maybe Lynn could help her find that strength.
The squeeze of her hand was comforting too. And gave her a lot of hope that Lynn would be able to help fix her.
At least until she said she couldn't.
Or well. Couldn't make the images and the sounds and the smells go away. Her face drooped a bit at that admission, even as the teal-haired woman went on to explain that she could help her find coping methods. It was a little disheartening, knowing that she was going to be stuck with those horrible thoughts and memories forever, and there was nothing anyone could do to make them go away. Even if she learned to cope with them. Nothing could be done to actually fix them. Which was painful to hear.
She also wasn't nearly as confident that the first step had been done right, as Lynn was.
Because she still wasn't entirely convinced that it wasn't her fault. Or that she was a good person. She didn't feel like a good person. But if Lynn thought she was, and if Lynn was so sure of that, then she supposed she must be right. Carmim nodded, mulling it over in her head still.
And then her ears perked up, followed by the rest of her expression, as Lynn mentioned storytelling.
She liked storytelling.
No, no, that wasn't right- storytelling was a part of her, like an arm, or a leg. She was born into the tradition, and had things gone a little differently, she would have been her father's apprentice, telling incredible stories to her whole village, and anybody who passed through. It was a very important job, one that was viewed as both incredibly sacred, and one that was vital in more practical terms as well- the village griot was the village's leader, in many senses. While her father hadn't made the big decisions that their chief elder was responsible for, he carried the entire region's history in his head, in stories and songs. He carried out religious rites, and led ceremonies and the like. She had never finished her training under him, but she knew a great deal of her village's history and traditions.
So the idea of storytelling as a means of working through her problems with Lynn was definitely an appealing one to her.
She thought carefully about Lynn's offer. On the one hand, it was an exciting, fun, prospect. But also, she wasn't entirely sure she wanted to just go right into talking about the worst stuff. Not yet. That was hard, she had to build up to it, even if she really did want to just forge ahead and get it done with. So she instead found a compromise.
"I like t'at idea... Is it okay if we start wit' an easier story, t'ough? I know lots of t'em." Her small smile beamed with a little bit of pride before she continued. "What kind of story do you want to hear first?"
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: May 8, 2020 19:19:43 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F
It made Lynn so happy to see the moment when Carmim’s face lit up at the mention of storytelling. She had known it would be a good thing to mention, it was in Carmim’s blood after all, but the effect was much more immediate and powerful than even she had expected. It was good to see what she assumed to be the normal Carmim peeking out of the shell that Shadecloak had helped to create, along with the trauma experienced in her hunter missions. Lynn smiled brightly and nodded, keeping her hands where they were for now since Carmim didn’t seem to mind them.[break][break]
”Any story is fine dear, any at all! Like I said, this is about your comfort and making you feel better. I’m not going to force you to do any specific method of treatment, I’m just here to make sure that you have the tools you need to make yourself better. This is self help, you’re the one making the changes and fixing your problems not me. So if you would like to tell a calmer, nicer story to start things off then that’s what we’ll do, alright? Did you have a specific story in mind, dear? I don’t have a preference, so whatever is most interesting to you!”[break][break]
Lynn brushed some hair out of her face, leaning back in the chair and giving Carmim’s hand a light squeeze in support. She wanted this to go well, and she was becoming more and more confident that Carmim was going to be able to help herself through this without more than simple guidance from Lynn. Some people weren’t so lucky, but Carmim was a positive person normally and she had a cultural background that would help her through this. So for now it was storytime, and Lynn was ready to listen to whatever Carmim wanted to tell her.
Post by Carmim Clover on Oct 24, 2020 22:25:49 GMT -5
❝
AURA: 95% WORDS: 893 | TWC: 5818
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
Her face scrunched a little, but it wasn't really a negative scrunch of annoyance, or frustration, or anything like that- it was a thoughtful scrunch. She would have maybe preferred it if Lynn had given her a little more to work with than just "tell whatever story you'd like." But the little hand squeeze offered by the kind teal-haired woman was very comforting, so she returned to a smile, in spite of her still-slightly-puffy, now-mostly dried, eyes.
"Okay. T'is is a fun one, my mama used to tell me it when I was a little girl! Have you ever heard t'e story about why t'e sun and t'e moon live in t'e sky?" She paused for a moment, eyebrows raised a bit, as her face started to light up with a much more animated expression than the dreary, sad, girl sitting in the beanbag chair moments ago. She continued shortly after, assuming that Lynn hadn't heard the story. She didn't really think she had, considering it was a story from her village in Vacuo, and therefore, was probably not too common in Mistral.
But who knows! Maybe she could have known it!
She grinned, gesturing widely with her arms as she began her tale. Slightly audible, her bare foot tapped against the ground beside the beanbag chair, thumping out a steady rhythm. "Long, long ago, before t'e people, and before t'e animals, and before t'e grimm walked t'e face of Remnant, when t'ere were only fish and t'e gods, Fat'er Sun and t'e Ocean were great friends! T'ey bot' lived here toget'er, and it was a happy time. T'e Sun would come to visit t'e Ocean but for some reason, t'e Ocean never returned any of his visits. Finally, after many years, t'e Sun asked, "Ocean, I come to visit you every day! Why have you never come to see me?" T'e Ocean was very concerned at t'is!" She made her voice as deep and boomy as she could for the Sun's role, which wasn't exactly very boomy. Then for the Ocean's reply, it was very smooth and breathy, and a little higher than her normal mid-register speaking voice.
"But Fat'er Sun! You have to understand! If I go all t'e way to your house, it will not be big enough for me and all of my fish! If we all came to visit, t'ere would be so many of us, t'at t'ere would be no room for you in your own house!" She made her best worried expression, as the drumming of her foot was soon accompanied by soft but intricate finger-drumming against the wood of the desk- she didn't have her drum, but she'd make do.
"And so, t'e Sun said, "Okay, what if I build a great big mansion, big enough for all of us to stay in toget'er- t'en will you come to visit me?" And t'e Ocean smiled and said, "Yes! I will do t'at. As long as t'ere is room for me and all of my friends." And t'e Sun smiled, and returned home to his wife, t'e Moon, thinking to himself, how hard could it be to build a house so big? T'e Ocean could only have so many fish friends, after all!" She shot Lynn a conspiratorial wink; anyone with any ability at all to draw a conclusion from the story would realize that the Sun couldn't be more wrong.
She grinned a little wider, and her drumming grew a little in intensity as the story built up towards its nearing conclusion. "It was soon finished, and so t'e Sun called over to t'e Ocean and said, "Ocean, my friend! My new house is finally ready for you and your friends! Come, all of you! T'ere will be food, and music, and dancing! We will have so much fun!" And t'e Ocean said, "Okay! We are coming right away!" And all at once, t'e whole ocean lifted up, and all of t'e water, and all of t'e fish swept up onto t'e shore, and poured right into t'e Sun's new house. But t'ere were so many of t'em! Soon enough, t'e Sun and t'e Moon were swept right out of t'e house, before t'e Ocean even realized it! T'is was back in t'e past too, before all t'e people built t'eir tower to t'e lady in t'e stars, and broke t'e Moon into a bunch of little pieces. Could you imagine t'e Moon trying to get out of t'e house wit' all her little pieces floating around! It would take so long!" She laughed at her own little joke, and at the happy memories of her uncle telling her the story of the Lady in the Stars.
"And at last, all of t'e Ocean and all of t'e fish fit into t'e house, but t'e Sun and t'e Moon were already pushed so high up, and so far away, t'at t'e Ocean couldn't hear t'em asking for help to get back down. And t'at is why t'e Sun and t'e Moon live in t'e sky, and why t'e Ocean comes in and out wit' t'e tides- he's trying to find his missing friends!"
She beamed, satisfied with her story, as her foot and hand came to a dramatic stop to her drumming as well.
"So! What did you t'ink? Did you have a favorite part?"
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: Oct 24, 2020 22:29:17 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F
Lynn listened to the story with her full, undivided attention. She hadn't heard of it before, and simply shook her head when Carmim asked at the start. The floor was entirely Carmim's, and Lynn enjoyed every moment of the young woman unfolding into her more natural, happy self as she told the story - likely something from home or from her family, as these things so often were. It was clear to Lynn that the story was meant to be accompanied by music of some sort, a drum if Carmim's weapon was any indication. She didn't have a drum but she did have her rainstick which she pulled from its resting spot and tilted just slightly to make light, flowing rain sounds joined by light taps on the stick itself for a beat. Of course Lynn had no idea what the beat was SUPPOSED to be, but she did her best to follow the cadence of the story, and then follow Carmim's own drumming as that picked up to create a sort of harmony. [break][break]
When Carmim finally finished, Lynn gave her a standing ovation and a truly honest smile. ”That was a lovely story, dear! Absolutely lovely. You have a gift for this, it isn't easy to carry such a confident voice when telling a story, and with no mistakes as well? Amazing.” Lynn sat again, setting the rainstick back against the wall before turning back to Carmim fully. ”Favorite part? Hmmm... The part when the ocean went up into the house and broke the moon! It's a funny little misunderstanding isn't it? And a perfect explanation for why the moon is broken as it is, lovely to think about it that way!” [break][break]
Lynn didn't mention how sad it was that the ocean didn't even know what happened to it's friends, or the fact that the ocean had hurt it's friends by accident which was shockingly close to what had happened with Carmim during Shade's speech the day before. None of that was important for Carmim to dwell on, being happy right now was far more helpful and important for her actually getting better. [break] ”Now I hate to bring us back to the less good side of this, especially since it means I won't hear another story quite like that one again for now, but do you see how much that helped you take your mind off of things? How happy and confident and present you became, darling? That is what we want, except we need that same thing to happen with a story made out of what happened to you in Rochdale. Use that story as a template. Metaphor is your friend here, turn things that make you feel awful into fun metaphors and an exciting, interesting story. It will not be easy, you don't need to do it all right now, but that is what you need to work towards for this healing process to take place. Is that alright dear?” [break][break]
Lynn spoke softly as she did when it was serious-talk time. But it was a very caring, warm softness. Like a blanket! She wanted what was best for Carmim, and she wanted that genuinely not the way some adults might look at teens or young adults as an inconvenience for their issues and attempt to fix them only so that they stopped being an issue. Shadecloak was that way. Lynn was not.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER? HAVE YOU HEARD? THE WAY SHE MOVES, THERE ARE NO WORDS
Her smile lasted, as Lynn applauded her tale, a warm glow seeming to radiate out from her, as she momentarily forgot all about her recent troubles and traumas, for the first time in what felt like a very long time.
It had been a long time since anyone had complimented her storytelling, too- the last time she could remember was her camping trip with Aegle and... Qiu'li. And others from her class. Telling campfire stories. They all went around and spun tales, some of their exploits, some of their homes, before Haven, some that were made up, and some that were passed down through the years, waiting for the right moment to be told again.
Her smile dimmed slightly as her mind buzzed with painful memories.
But it brightened again as Lynn commanded her attention once more, excitedly discussing her thoughts on the story. She grinned, letting a light, almost stifled, laugh loose at Lynn's favorite part. It really was a silly misunderstanding, wasn't it? Even though if she really thought about it, it would have probably been kinda scary being the Sun and the Moon while the Ocean was filling up their house. But as a story, it was a little funny to picture them scrambling up into the sky. "Hehe, I am glad t'at you liked it!" Her uncle would definitely be proud.
After he finished being disappointed, after her outburst. And her failing Rochdale.
And just like that, despite her first real laugh, brief and awkward as it was, since before everything that had happened, she was back to sitting pensively and quietly, as Lynn brought the conversation back to the huge elephant that had never really left the room.
She was supposed to try and turn Rochdale into a fun story? She couldn't do that. Not now, not ever. There just was no way. There was nothing fun or happy about Rochdale. Nothing. No amount of metaphors or funny storytelling voices, or really soothing rainstick noises, could make it okay.
"I do not t'ink t'at-" She hesitated. Her eyes were clouded again with pain, and also with self-doubt, and fear, and confusion. She glanced up at Lynn, mouth opening a few times, as if to speak, before it snapped shut, the words taken from her before she could say them.
At long last, she finally found some words left to say. But they weren't said with any of the boldness or joy or conviction as the story of the Sun and the Ocean. It was an uphill battle to even begin to speak again, especially as the world around her threatened to slip away again, back into that horrible place.
As if, at any moment, something terrible was going to happen, and it would be all her fault. Like he was going to storm into the room and pick Lynn up and smash her legs and tie her to the ceiling. Like he was going to hit her over the head until she was dead, and just drag her away to bury her, without telling anybody. Like he was going to show up just so he could jump out of the window and land on the ground with a big splat, before anyone could stop him, before anyone could show him what he had done.
She tried to take a deep breath, but it came shallow and sharp.
She choked up a little, before continuing, finally eking out some semblance of an affirmation. Her head nodded. "Okay... Okay. I will try." The words came hoarsely, like she had been out in the desert all day with no water.
She waited, staring down at her feet again, as her mind raced to think of something to say. Anything to say.
She tapped on the desk, and softly tapped her foot again, starting, then stopping. Starting, and stopping. Starting. Stopping.
She shook her head.
No drumming rhythms. She couldn't hear them, anyways, over the pounding in her chest.
"A long, long time ago, um... In a place called... Um. A long time ago, t'ere were... Some happy um. Squirrels. But t'ey were really scared, except for um. Well, one squirrel was just loud and grumpy, and anot'er one was um. Well, he was Colton. And t'en anot'er one... Well, t'ey weren't all scared, and t'en... T'en one squirrel found out someone was stealing his nuts, and also a different smaler squirrel found out someone was stealing her berries, and... And..."
She looked up, having not realized how long she had paused her story there, before the inevitable.
"And, um... I... I do not t'ink I can... I do not t'ink I can um... I cannot... I do not t'ink I can finish t'e story right now. I am sorry."
She wasn't really sure she would ever finish the story, really.
She didn't know how. Because she knew the story wasn't about squirrels or nuts or berries. It was about blood, and death, and violence. And someone she trusted, who turned out to be a monster...
LAIKA OF GS!
Last Edit: Nov 15, 2020 18:41:50 GMT -5 by Carmim Clover
SEM*: A, DURA: C STR: D Recoil: E, STAM: E, SAND: E WEAP: F, EARS: F