TRP is a post-Great War AU RWBY RP set in Mistral City and Haven Academy with no canons, no rank claims, no maidens, and no god interference. We offer a progression system and site-wide events that change the setting based on player actions.
Post by Jackie Bariole on Feb 25, 2020 13:40:22 GMT -5
Holly's words left Jackie unsure how to respond and, for what seemed the first time in a long time, it wasn't because what had been said was strange, inexplicable, or cruel. Rather, it was the absence of these qualities which left Jackie at a loss. How long had it been since someone had said something so uncompromisingly nice to her. She thought of Nasrin, but even Nasrin had to tacitly acknowledge Jackie's shortcomings when she dolled out her compliments. Holly hadn't done that though. She'd simply said something kind. Naive, but kind, and left Jackie almost feeling better about herself as a person, despite where her thoughts had been headed when they began discussing her semblance and goals for the future.
It was naivete on the pinkette's part, of course. If she knew even the first thing about what Jackie was capable of, she would have reconsidered her kind words. If Jackie had required further poof of this point, it had been provided in the form of Holly's innocent view of Solomon Moon. If she could consider a rabid dog like Solomon Moon as anything other than the war criminal he was, her positive opinion of Jackie couldn't really mean much. Holly was too innocent to understand cruelty or rage, or lust or greed. She'd grown up with support and love. She had yet to taste the bitter fruit of the world as it really was. Jackie envied her that, and pitied the inevitable loss of that innocence. A Huntsman Academy was no place for such purity, nor idealism. Holly's first mission, Jackie did not doubt, would put an end to both. Then she would realize what a sham it all was, how order and security were collective lies told by people too afraid to face reality's truth. How it was only the strong who had any say in the way things worked, and how they stood astride the weak for every bit of station and acclaim they gained. The world was a bedlam chorus of disparate shouts, cried out into an empty void which could not possibly care. Holly would see. The first time she had to defend herself in earnest, she'd understand.
Jackie felt flushed, as she realized what she was thinking, as she recognized the voice dripping those poisonous words across her mind. Recoiling, she slammed tight, or as tight she could, the cage over that bitter, resentful, hateful part of herself. Closing her eyes, the Mantlian clasped her hands before her face and breathed. She was losing control again. Even in this pleasant conversation, with someone she actually kind of liked, her sister weighed on her thoughts. It wouldn't be long now before every thought took her down a dark path into Heidi's domain. Once that happened, how long would it be before she was unable to find her way back?
"You're right about Grimm being attracted to negative emotion," Jackie said, once she was sure of her own thoughts, sure the words coming out of her mouth were her own, "And such emotions are far more likely to be found near large populations. In some instances though, a single person, given sufficiently powerful or enduring emotion, can become a solitary locus for drawing them." She lowered her hands, and needlessly adjusted her Tome's position on the table, just to give them something to do. She couldn't avoid thinking about her big sister now, but she was self-aware, on guard for any more invasive thoughts. Her other half shied from the scrutiny, irritated by Jackie's resistance to her incursions. She allowed her little sister to maintain her control, certain her chance would arise soon. "As for the dichotomy of bad and good, either one is a sum of our actions, and at least half of mine are a net-negative on the world." Just as a particularly powerful and enduring emotion could account for many lesser emotions, so too could one extreme act of malice or cruelty account for a few lesser acts of altruism. Jackie was under no illusions as to the side of the scale she fell on. Her contributions to society were minimal beside the wanton and self-serving acts she occasionally made. She wondered if there was a way to explain that to Holly, without depriving her of some vital spark of that innocence she so envied in the smaller woman. It seemed unlikely. "The benefit of my isolation far outweighs the personal cost, kind though it is for you to suggest otherwise."
Post by Holly Hock on Feb 27, 2020 20:15:20 GMT -5
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The moment that Jackie showed outward signs that something was wrong, Holly was alarmed. Had she said something wrong? Was Jackie becoming unwell? Did she needed to vomit?! The thought was quickly ignored as Holly seemed to recognize that the reaction was a sign of emotional turmoil! Holly had plenty of experience with that herself! Jackie was sad about something! Maybe the words that Holly said made her realize that she had made a horrible leap of logic! Jackie didn’t need to seclude herself with a cute hermit girl! Even if she exploded things, she could get passed that all if she would just talk about her feelings and accepted hugs! Holly would offer one in a few moments, and start the second phase of Holly’s friendships. Trying to help people overcome their crippling emotional problems. [break] [break] Jackie deserved to be happy! [break] [break] Holly actually believed that Jackie went along with the plan of not doing Jackie’s horrible plan. With as much as she could follow with the words spoken, Holly believed that all. It were big words. Or well, small words that were hard and Holly didn’t know what they meant. Aren’t locus the things that try to eat crops? What is a dichotomy? Is it something like a dictionary? Holly honestly looked rather clueless as she just listened to Jackie. It seemed obvious if she would have looked at the pinkette that she was not getting anything about this course in ethics, but she was letting Jackie say her thing. [break] [break] It was only the last sentence that made Holly question that narrative. Wait, So Jackie wasn’t on board? Or well, she was on board with leaving everything behind and become some crazy wood’s lady? [break] [break] WHY! [break] [break] THAT IS STUPID! [break] [break] I WOULD BE A PERFECT WOODSLADY AND I AM SAYING THAT THAT IS STUPID! [break] [break] Holly’s smile disappeared, and a blank expression returned. Her normal blank expression that she always had before Rochdale. [break] [break] How, how could she convince Jackie to not do that obviously horrible thing? [break] [break] Maybe Jackie had thought this out way more than Holly, but it just didn’t make any lick of sense. Other people might not be the greatest, but being alone was even worse! You only got yourself to be mad and sad about if that is the case! Holly seemed to consider what she wanted to say, and within her mind she formulated the best approach to convey Holly’s inner feelings. [break] [break] “That plan is stupid, and I don’t think it will help you at all.” [break] [break] Nailed it! [break] [break] Holly seemed to have little regard for how her comment was received, though she quickly explained her reasoning quickly afterwards. There was still a hint of the previous mirth, but the pinkette’s voice had become rather flat again as she tried to explain something that seemed important to her. [break] [break] “When I am alone at night under my bed, I cry sometimes. Not as much as I used to when I just got here, but sometimes. I…I have been called overly emotional. I think I got the right amount of emotions and everyone else just don’t got enough, but that is not the point. When I am alone, I have nobody but myself to rely on. When I was miserable and around people, I could keep a face. I can keep a face even now with you even though I have a dozen reason to cry about. If I was not sitting with you here right now, I would most likely be getting miserable soon enough. I cannot stand being alone with my own thoughts for too long.” [break] [break] Holly honestly had enough reasons to cry. Referring back to an earlier list In her head as a source: [break] [break] ‘Do you think that my family hates me for sending me to Haven?’ [break] [break] ‘Do you think that my family is dead, and I just do not know it yet?’ [break] [break] ‘Do you cry yourself to sleep as well at night?’ [break] [break] ‘My boyfriend never told me that he loved me. Should I be concerned?’ [break] [break] ‘I have a crippling fear of Rose. I freeze whenever I see her or hear her voice. Should I go to a teacher?’ [break] [break] ‘I think that Nasrin wants me to die. I fear that she might kill me in my sleep one day. Should I lock my door?’ [break] [break] ‘I have read that I am malnourished, and that I maybe will never be able to bear healthy children. Should I even wish to be a mother some day?’1 [break] [break] The only reason that she had become gradually less sad in her time at Haven wasn’t at all on Holly’s sheer will alone. She knew that. She knew that from the day that Ryan had come into her life. The boy that made her feel wanted, in any way at all. Some people might have called him drawing her creepy, but it was the first gesture that someone was interested in her. Sure, it was outward appearance at first, but Holly was certain that Ryan loved her for her personality as well! Sure, he could tell her that, but she knew it! She meant the world to him, as he meant the world to her! They will one day get children when he gets over this phase and they will be happy! [break] [break] Others have helped as well. Carmim was a dependable friend and helped tons with the club! At times, they the two of them were the club, it felt. She could always trust Carmim to be fun and try to make Holly happy. Kishka was also dependable, even if she showed it in a weird and bossy way! Maybe if she toned down the nickname thing it would be even more great, but it was still good! Niraya was always a happy little Faunus friend who didn’t wanted to eat Holly! She had nice fluffy ears and was always chipper with everyone! Lily was great, Jack was great, even Rose who beat up Holly was maybe one day looking to be a dependable friend! [break] [break] Nothing was ever going to go wrong with Holly’s circle of friends, and with that steady bedrock Holly knew that every day would be a little bit more bearable till one day she could smile again without faking it! [break] [break] Jackie needed such friends too! Holly could be that for her! [break] [break] “I don’t know you, and maybe you have given this some thought, but do honestly trust yourself with your semblance if there was nobody to look after you but yourself? Without anyone to hold you, or tell you that you are great? Because you are great, Jackie! I like you and want to be your friend! I will not make everything great at the start, but I will try to make every day a little bit more bearable!” [break] [break] The line sounded so great in her head that she couldn’t resist not saying it out loud! [break] [break] Oh, Jackie would respond so great to this that she was going to change her mind! Holly was sure of it! They would be friends, and she would Smash Holly’s like button! Talk about nerdy stuff! Learn new words! [break] [break] Greatness all around! [break] [break]
1. Hock, Holly. (8 minutes ago, 25 AV). Thoughts are bad and my life sucks. Journal of Why the hell did my family send me here, 2(1), 183-274.
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Words: 1213, Thread Total: 11676
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Aura: 97%
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Semblance: E, Slicer: F, Survival: F, Gardening: F, Martial Arts: F, Healing: F, Acrobatics: F.
[attr="class","trinCredits"]TABLE BY TRINITY @ ADOXOGRAPHY
Post by Jackie Bariole on Mar 14, 2020 15:52:44 GMT -5
Overwhelmingly, Jackie felt embarrassed for Holly. It wasn't the most empathetic reaction she could have have and, realizing she'd had it, the Mantlian immediately felt guilty about it. Not sympathy or concern, but a painful cringe of social anxiety, as she helplessly imagined herself making the same confessions as the smaller woman had made. Jackie had never been good at so frankly stating her emotions, and even her recent candor with Holly hadn't been free from the anxiety of saying things she usually kept to herself. Holly was something else though, something different. Jackie tried to imagine the type of childhood which could produce someone so comfortable with their own emotions to nakedly state them to a stranger, the way the redhead had just done? How much support and love had it taken to bring Holly to the brink of adulthood without the social walls and emotional barriers that cusp of maturity implied? More than Jackie had known during her upbringing, that was certain. How, now, must it feel to be deprived of that security? To be alone, probably for the first time in her sheltered life and to have the security of all those she knew and love weighing down her slender shoulders.
It didn't seem fair.
Then Jackie felt sympathy. A bit belated, but no less powerful for that. She once again found herself in Holly's shoes, doing something she didn't want to do because she knew it was the right thing to do, that people were counting on her to do it. Except, where the people counting on Jackie's good behavior where the faceless, amorphous mass of Society at Large, Holly's dependants were the same people who'd nurtured the compassionate and sensitive spirit she so obviously possessed. That much responsibility would crush the most independent spirit, and it was clear that the immature red head was anything but. She was little more than a child in a young woman's body, who had been asked to do something she didn't want to do by the people she loved most in the world.
It wasn't fair.
When was life ever fair?
Suddenly, Jackie's own problems, her own plans for the future, didn't seem quite so pressing or important. She was at least well versed in dealing with her darker side, unpleasant a process as that so often was. She had made peace with the solution, the only viable solution, to her problem. Holly didn't have that luxury. This as all new, all strange, all so terribly isolating and frightening for her. She was utterly alone in this. And that broke Jackie's heart.
"Holly?" Jackie began, her voice tight in her throat, but she had no idea what to say next. What did you say at a time like that? What did anyone say to all that Holly had just said? Hesitating, Jackie raised her eyes from the table between them and, briefly, managed to meet the two bright magenta eyes staring earnestly into her own. Each as open as story book. She looked away hastily, feeling the pressure, the burning, of that gaze, and felt her heart quicken in her chest. Her hands started to itch, her palms felt hot and her fingers icy cold.
She realized, absurdly, that she wanted to ask Holly if she was okay, despite the clear evidence that she was not. She wasn't okay, no more than Jackie was. Like Jackie, her life had been uprooted and she'd had the weight of something she didn't fully comprehend handed over for her to bear. She was alone, and sad, and scared. She was an earnest and sincere and open person, starting down a path that built hardened killers out of promising young people. Jackie knew she couldn't protect Holly from travails of that path, just as she'd been unable to defend herself against them. She could sense already what it would be like, watching the Academy slowly break down what was bright and hopeful and good in the girl before her into the kind of woman capable of facing the Grimm. She didn't want to see that happen. She didn't want to stand by an watch as this child transformed into a Huntress. It would be so much easier to simply turn away. Deny Holly's offer of friendship, so she wouldn't have to watch reality crush or corrupt her.
Yet doing that would have taken its own kind of audacity, it's own breed of bravery, and Jackie was anything but. She couldn't bring herself to take that one hard step, even knowing it was save her a difficult road in the future. Besides, she didn't want Holly to be alone. And Holly was right; Jackie didn't want to be alone either.
"I like you too." She said instead, realizing only as the words left her mouth that they were true. She liked Holly's earnestness, her lack of artifice, and the fact that she was so very uncomplicated. She was exactly what she appeared to be. "I doubt you fully appreciate how unique and special you are. I think you will make an excellent friend." Unlike herself, Jackie only barely kept from adding. She knew it was a terrible idea, befriending this simple, vulnerable person. She knew she would hurt Holly, one way or another. She knew Holly would hurt her, come to that, by the simple alchemy of transmutation from what she was to what she needed to be. What her family needed her to be. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to either of them. But nothing about reality was fair. If fairness were anything but an artificial construct, Holly wouldn't be sitting across the table from her. She wouldn't have been at Haven at all.
Jackie risked another glance at the girl across the table, wishing she had something more concrete to offer Holly. She would have liked to reach across the table and touch her hand, except that the mere thought of doing so made her hands itch uncomfortably. Hers were not hands for giving comfort; Hers were not hands for doing anything anyone could want done. So Jackie just looked. She looked long enough for the pressure of the other woman's gaze to feel like a weight on her chest, driving her back into her seat. For the burning of that maintained eye contact to force her gaze away once again. Whatever her own faults, however hopeless the effort might be, she would be Holly's friend. "I am not very good at being a friend." Jackie admitted finally, staring at her own hands once more, "I am sure you will be patient with me." She wasn't sure of it at all. If whatever-her-relationship-with-Nasrin-could-be-called was any indication, she was good at testing the patience of others. It seemed like the sort of thing she should say though, if only to give Holly some indication of what she was in for.
She could hope though; She still hadn't learned not to.
Post by Holly Hock on Mar 18, 2020 20:12:32 GMT -5
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‘Oh, she is directly saying my name as the only word in a sentence.’[break] [break] That is either something good, or something very wrong. Well, not very, very wrong, but also not very promising. People only address you like that if they want to let you down gently, or wanted to say something very serious. Making sure that you are fully listening to them. We are already talking. You got my attention, Jackie. Why would you want more of that attention? The words were spoken with some uncertainty. [break] [break] Was Jackie going to back-down on the friendship-plan?[break] [break] Did I say something to upset her? [break] [break] Shouldn’t I have called her stupid plan stupid? Did I need to do something else to reach the next level of friendship? CAN I REDO MY DIALOGUE CHOICE? WHERE IS THE RESET BUTTON! THAT GAME ON MY SCROLL HAD ONE! ANOTHER THING THAT SCROLLS DO BETTER THAN BOOKS! [break] [break]While Holly was freaking out inside of her head, to put it gently, her now more stoic face didn’t betray the internal struggle. The girl simply spoke what she thought was the best option.[break] [break] “I…I am listening, Jackie. Just…. say what is on your mind.”[break] [break] It was honestly both the most pessimistic and hopeful reply that the girl could come up with at the moment. Maybe the calling of her name meant nothing serious and this was just her social anxiety clashing with Holly’s social enthusiasm. If this is going to be a soft reject of friendship, Holly could recover from it. At least Jackie had spoken her mind. If it was a hard pass on the Holly-train, then well…[break] [break] She had at least something new to cry about.[break] [break] Two large magenta eyes looked at Jackie as she was trying to come up with the words. Waiting, a slight mixture of both hope and dread in her gaze.[break] [break] And when Jackie answered that she wants to be a friend.[break] [break] Holly’s eyes seemed to shine for a moment.[break] [break] Just a moment.[break] [break] But it was there.[break] [break] A warmth filled her heart…or well, her chest. Jackie wants to be a friend! And it sounded condorly! She even added words about how special and unique Holly was! The pinkette didn’t really understand in what way she was that special. Maybe it was the plant thing, but Holly couldn’t even show that off. Maybe it was because of the fact that Holly could approach people easily? Or like…talk condorly. [break] [break] To be honest, she didn’t understand why nobody else she met in Mistral seemed to do it.[break] [break] Well, Jackie maybe came close.[break] [break] But well… who knows what truly goes on in her head and if she speaks the honest truth about how she feels! Holly just had to believe that she did, because that is what friends do! [break] [break] While Jackie didn’t make the attempt in the end, Holly’s hands did reach out over the table. She didn’t outright touch Jackie’s hands. Despite wanting to give the nerdy bookworm the thickest and warmest of hugs, Holly knew enough about Jackie that she most likely wouldn’t like that. Being touched without like…saying that she wanted to be touched. Personal space and having a routine, and all that. [break] [break] So, Holly merely held out her hand for Jackie to shake. Like this was some form of business-meeting or a professional get-together. Her voice had regained a hint of joy and hope that almost beat out the monotonous nature of it. “Then we shake on it! A Holly-Happy-Handshake!” [break] [break] One day, Jackie, I will hug you. And you will love it! Not today![break] [break] When Jackie did talk about not being a good friend, Holly blinked for a few moments after Jackie having said that all. She seemed to have been somewhat surprised by Jackie saying that, though that surprise soon gave way for something else. A faint smile appeared on the pink-haired student’s face for a second. [break] [break] And then Holly snickered. [break] [break] A soft and innocent sound.[break] [break] “Most people are horrible friends. You shouldn’t feel bad for that.”[break] [break] If Jackie would look up at Holly’s face, and her eyes, she would see that her gaze had changed subtlety. Despite still basking in the afterglow of what came down to a rather loose declaration of friendship, there was a certain seriousness in those eyes. Holly didn’t need to say Jackie’s name to get her attention even if she wouldn’t be looking at the pinkette. The change in her voice mirrored the seriousness in her eyes. The words spoken seemed to be coming from somewhere deep in the Holly-Bank of things that she seemed to genuinely care about. The two of them were friends by spoken agreement, so Holly was ready from the get-go to make use of that privilege. [break] [break] “People… people say that they are friends very easily. They go like… ‘Hey! I just met this guy and he seemed nice. We talked for a time and we seemed to hit it off. Yeah, he is my friend.’ That isn’t friendship. Just talking to people that you like isn’t friendship. Doing something with someone every other month or so, isn’t friendship. That is just not being a jerk.”[break] [break] Holly paused for a moment, her eyes becoming even more intense if Jackie would have watched the downward slope in Holly’s mood. Her next paragraph of word-vomit would also be even more intense than the last one, as there seemed to be no joy in what she said. Only the conviction that she was speaking the truth in her mind. The girl continued, her voice getting more swift and slightly winded.[break] [break]“People, who suspect or even heard that a ‘friend’ has problems, like being genuinely miserable enough to cry themselves to sleep, or think that their best course of action is being a hermit for the rest of their lives, but do nothing despite this knowledge, are horrible people. That is like saying; ‘I will safe you from this burning building I hear you screaming from, but only when it is convenient for me or when I make time for it. Maybe try jumping out of the window or find someone else who is brave enough to do it. I don’t care enough to get hurt or be uncomfortable while you turn to ashes.’”[break] [break] From Holly Hock’s voice, it was almost impossible to discern if she was directly addressing Jackie and the fact that she completely side-lined what Holly had said. About how she opened her heart to the bookworm that most people do not give the time of day unless they needed her for a book report. About how Holly laid all of her cards on the table while everyone else seemed to be so very keen on keeping them close to the vest. [break] [break] Did they honestly think it was easy?[break] [break] Even with Holly learning to always speak her mind and share her emotions, do they honestly think that it is easy? That is fun? That it doesn’t affect her? [break] [break] “Don’t think that it is easy for me to-“[break] [break] I DIDN’T WANTED TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD! [break] [break] FUCK![break] [break] WINGING IT![break] [break] “It…it isn’t easy. You say that I am special and unique. That is bullshit. It is effort. Something that I used to give freely to everyone. It was trying every damned time to be honest with people despite eventually knowing that time and time again I got ridiculed for it. Still, I gave the effort. You know how many failed conversations I have had before I learned the hard truth that most people just do not care? I still tried. Do you know how many people just look at me like I am crazy after I spoke from my heart? Like it is a crime in their eyes. Do you know how many people pitied me like I am some child who just doesn’t know how things work in grown-up world?”[break] [break] It was a rhetorical question that Holly herself answered.[break] [break] “Enough to make me cry myself to sleep every night for months, wishing that I was at home where I was not judged for being me. For wanting to be honest.”[break] [break] Damn, that felt good to get off the old (flat) chest.[break] [break] See people, telling how you feel. It feels damn good.[break] [break] Holly felt like some sort of flood gate had been opened and she felt…well…she felt good to have this out in the open. Sure, she was out of breath from speaking so long. While she didn’t have a big set of lungs in that frail chest of hers, they were go-getters. Sure, it isn’t the first thing that someone wanted to hear after just committing to a friendship. Most people would most likely want an invitation not to get frozen yogurt, or something like that. [break] [break] Still, it wasn’t like Jackie was entering this friendship under false pretences. She knew that Holly spoke truthful and from the heart. None of this felt like it was a lie. This sounded all like it was the truth being spoken. Curse-words and all.[break] [break] It was…unclear to read from Holly’s face how much she had guessed Jackie’s thoughts and if this was a reaction on what Holly thought was Jackie’s internal thought process. On the one hand, you could think that Holly was some sort of conversational task-master who laid out every piece perfectly to get to this point. To get to the point where she could lay-down everything that she suspected Jackie’s thought. To get her to see that, at least on this level, Holly was damn well more aware of what was going on inside of people and how it made her feel. Sure, she was not that smart in things Jackie would read in books, but she did know damn well to read the pages of someone’s thoughts.[break] [break] On the other hand, maybe the girl had been burned too many times to think that Jackie, despite seeming to be a genuine person and maybe even a friend, was deep down anything different from the dozens of other people Holly had reached out to. People inside the academy. People on her scroll. People on the streets. All the open rejection. All the silent judgement. All the eyes feigning sympathy. [break] [break] It was why Holly could ask the following question. The words weren’t spoken with the same zeal as the previous ones, but they somehow felt like they mattered even more. Despite how it might be read if someone were to type it out, it wasn’t spoken as an accusation. Holly was like a scientist, more interested in finding out the truth of a hypothesis than framing the question to get a certain outcome. [break] [break] “What do you honestly think about me, Jackie? If I am just a child in your eyes, at least be a grown-up and say the truth to my face.” [break] [break]
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Words: 1795, Thread Total: 13471
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Aura: 97%
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Semblance: E, Slicer: F, Survival: F, Gardening: F, Martial Arts: F, Healing: F, Acrobatics: F.
[attr="class","trinCredits"]TABLE BY TRINITY @ ADOXOGRAPHY
Post by Jackie Bariole on Mar 21, 2020 13:51:31 GMT -5
It had all seemed to be going so well. Maybe not smoothly, but Jackie's neurosis seldom allowed smoothness in any form of social interaction. Still, she'd been able to curb her anxiety, her distrust, enough to allow some kind foundation to be built, to allow the promise of some sort of connection with another person. Someone who she thought might actually understand her. Who she thought might actually be patient with her. Who she hoped could be her friend, in a way nobody had ever been her friend. She was about to take Holly's hand, and endure the discomfort of a handshake, sealing the pact she had just consented to. But Holly kept on talking. And, the more she spoke, the more inescapable the reality of their situation became. The more apparent, the inadequacy of Jackie's reply.
She never learned. She never stopped hoping; It was her biggest flaw. More so than the anxiety, the cowardice, the selfishness, the weakness. More so even than the things she did when she lost control of herself. Those were things she'd been taught, she knew. Other people had made her that way. The hope, though? That was in spite of all empirical data, disregarding all prior experience and an abundance of contrary evidence. Hope was a trap. The privation, she could have dealt with. The isolation, she could have handled. It was the promise that she might not need to, the blind and irrational hope of relief, which made those things unbearable. Hope hurt, and it hurt far more than anything else.
Jackie should have known better. There'd never been a time where she'd opened up to someone, where she'd trusted someone enough to give them even a glimpse of her inner workings, which had not ended in that person hurting her. Holly had seemed different. Holly had seemed better. Holly had seemed so much like Jackie.
Holly had hurt Jackie as soon as she'd let her defenses down for even a moment. And, worse even than that, was how Jackie couldn't tell if she'd done it on purpose.
Jackie weathered Holly's barrage, her rebukes, confusion and dismay building with each word. Hurting, and wondering why Holly was saying such acidic things, things which could only be directed at Jackie and her pitiful offer of friendship. And why shouldn't it hurt? Like the scalding touch of a stove top, that pain was supposed to teach her a lesson. Teach her that she wasn't made for being around other people. That, even to someone as open and seemingly approachable as Holly, she would be hurt. Naturally, Holly didn't understand the amount of trust the past ten minutes had been. Naturally, Holly could not comprehend what life was like for someone who was not her. When Jackie was closed off, when she avoided topics she felt uncomfortable addressing, Holly saw what a coward, how weak, she really was. No empathy could bridge that gap. No forbearance could stand such strain. And why should it? Jackie was deserving of none of those things. Because she was different, incomplete. She was half a person, utterly incapable of even the most basic human interaction. She wasn't worth the trouble of understanding. She wasn't worth the effort of patience. She would only ever frustrate, annoy, and disappoint. She would only ever be hurt.
She needed to stop hoping for more, because she didn't deserve more. She deserved precisely what she got.
Crushed into her chair by the onslaught, Jackie could no longer make herself meet Holly's eyes by the time the smaller woman was done. She was utterly castigated, totally defeated, and wholly ashamed. Because all that Holly had just described had struck as deeply and thoroughly as it was possible to. All the good she'd described in herself, all the effort and commitment it took to be the way she was, was lacking in Jackie, while all the bad she'd described in others, all the inefficacy and complacency which society taught, Jackie had in abundance. She wanted to cry. What had she been thinking, agreeing to be this girl's friend? She wasn't fit to be someone's doormat, let alone their confidant. How sad and hopelessly desperate would someone need to be to want Jackie as a friend? Not even Jackie would want to be her friend. She would be better off... They would all be better off, if Jackie just went away and never came back. Maybe that wouldn't make Jackie happy, but it would at least be less painful and confusing. Something twisted inside of her. Sensing Jackie's pain, her need to escape, it strained against its bond. Jackie felt herself reaching out, toward that captive force, that promise of escape. It would be so much easier. It would be so much simpler. She could just let go, let someone else handle it. Someone who the world and the people in it couldn't hurt. She could almost taste it, that sour, coppery taste. The taste of sweet oblivion.
Then Holly asked a question, and it caught enough of Jackie's attention to pull her back from the edge. The Mantilian stopped chewing her tongue and, chest still tight with the need to cry, asserted what feeble control she could upon herself. The captive inside her, sensed her pulling back and raged against its bonds, furious and demanding. That flash of alien anger, of intrusive rage, was the last shove Jackie needed to regain her composure. Heart hammering, she realized how close she'd been to losing control, and yet more shame and anxiety stabbed through her.
Jackie was quiet for a dozen seconds or more, not trusting herself to speak. She sniffled once, face hidden behind a veil of tangled brown hair, but didn't start crying. Thank fortune, that she didn't start crying. If she'd had any doubt that Holly's invective was directed at her, the question the pinkette asked dispelled them. 'What do you honestly think of me?', as if to say that she didn't believe Jackie had been entirely forthright before. Which, of course, Jackie hadn't been. That she thought Holly was a child had also evidently been apparent; Holly was perceptive, for all her naivete. Jackie's jaw worked, her heart pounded, and her eyes stung, but she kept herself from rubbing them. Kept her hands pressed down on the table before her. When she could finally maker herself speak, her voice came out quiet, frail, and frayed at the edges. "I think you deserve a much better friend than I could be." Eyes starting to water again, she turned her head away, to better hide her face behind her lank, ugly, greasy hair. "Maybe you are a bit childish, but I would rather be like you than like me. I know you're sad, and alone, and maybe even a bit scared, but I'd still rather be like you." If she were like Holly, she might actually deserve friendship. If she were like Holly, she might actually say the things she thought, despite fearing how people would respond. If she were like Holly, she wouldn't hate herself quite so much, nor be afraid of the things she might do, nor worry for the people she might hurt. "I think you shouldn't worry about what I think of you. You shouldn't worry about what I think at all. What I think isn't important."
It was hard, saying all that. Hard, because Jackie knew she didn't have to. There was nobody forcing her to say it, nor anyone to stop her from standing up and leaving. There was only Jackie, herself. Jackie, who honestly wanted to help Holly, and be Holly's friend, despite how badly suited to it she knew she was. There was only Jackie who, in spite of all she'd known in all her life, still hoped to be better. To be a friend. Perhaps not the Friend Holly needed, who could give her good advice or soothe her or fix her problems. But even if she was just there, surely that would be better than leaving Holly alone. Moreover, Jackie wanted a friend too. She hadn't had a friend since Robin, and she'd learned in the end that even that wasn't a real friendship, but a relationship more akin to her present arrangement with Nasrin. She had just been the little sister, the tag along, the unwanted but tolerated accessory, to the relationship they really wanted. She wanted to be Holly's friend, because she was lonely, and couldn't help but hope not to be.
"I think, at best, I'll disappoint you. At worst, I will hurt you. I think it's a terrible idea, because I can't be a good friend to anyone, but I'm so desperate for any sort of human connection that I will risk hurting you, and you hating me." Her voice cracked a tiny bit, and she shrank back in her seat, and waited meekly for the danger to pass. "I think you're sad and alone and that people don't often understand you. I know I can't help, but I want to. I want to be someone you can talk to, because I know how it feels to be alone and scared and misunderstood. It's not a thing anyone should have to feel." Jackie practically trembled with the effort of saying all that. So much that could be used to hurt her, she surrendered to Holly, hoping that, if the pinkette were to use it against her, that the attack would come immediately. "I don't think it's fair, that, of all the people you've spoken to, I'm the only one who spoke back. You're a person. You have thoughts and opinions and likes and dislikes, the same as me. You're not a cardboard cut out that speaks, but someone with a life and goals and dreams. I don't think those others you've spoken to understood that. They just saw someone too strange and weird to be taken seriously. They saw a a piece of furniture, a prop decorating the stage of their life. You're not real enough to them to be worth trying to understand. When they look at you, they only see themselves. They see why they would do the things you do, and don't try to imagine your reasons for doing them. To them, you don't have reasons at all..."
Somehow, Jackie kept from bursting into tears right at the end. Instead, she stifled another sniffle, then reached a hand up to shakily scrub at her eyes. The unfairness of it all was suddenly too overwhelming to bear. The more she thought about it, the more awful she felt, because she could easily imagine the phenomenon that she'd just described, easily imagine it playing out around Holly. She could imagine how horribly isolating it would feel, to be treated like the thing people thought you were, instead of who you actually were. To never have anyone try and know you for you, and instead try only to categorize you into whatever narrow subset their limited philosophies allowed. To be different in some inexplicable way, and to have those differences forever misinterpreted. She could imagine all that, happening to Holly. Happening with Holly.
"But, like I said," Jackie continued, when she'd brought herself back under control, when the threat of spontaneous tears was not so great, "You shouldn't care what I think. What I think is not important. Nothing I've ever thought has ever done anyone any good, because, when it comes right down to it, I am a neurotic coward who finds most social interaction exceedingly difficult. I will always do what's easiest, given the chance, even if I know it will only make things worse. Because I'm weak. I don't have what it takes to be a good friend or help with problems, or make people feel better, unless it's by showing them how worse off they could be."
Jackie wasn't getting anything off her chest, saying these things. If anything, it felt like she was piling more and more weight on. Each word was harder to get out, coming more strained and hushed than those that came before. She felt horribly exposed, saying all that she had, not only for how bare it left her multitude of faults, but for how easily Holly could hurt her with all she'd said. All Holly needed to do, after all, was agree. "But I see you, Holly. I know you're your own person. That's why I said you were special, and unique. Because you are. You're not like me. You're not like anyone. Your reasons are your own, and I will do my best not to categorize you, like you're a thing that can be defined to one or two particular traits."
Post by Holly Hock on Apr 14, 2020 17:24:39 GMT -5
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One of Holly’s greatest flaw was that she was horribly inadequate when it came to predicting how her words had an effect on people. For someone who was raised in an environment in which extreme openness about your feelings was normalized, she didn’t really understand that most people weren’t that used to getting bombarded with ‘truth bombs’ from a pink-haired aerial vehicle with flowers painted on the sides. Holly, with the exception of one or two cases, never tried to hurt or harm others with her words. She tried to help them by telling her how she felt about someone’s ridiculous stance on life in her eyes, and tried desperately for people to be open themselves. Truth is like opening a wound and letting all of the puss and grime out of it to stop it from festering. Ideally, you would not let any grime inside of your body in the first place, but such things are inevitable. Even for Hock. [break] [break] Still, she was observant enough to notice that Jackie didn’t really take her words in the most positive light. Good. She should be affected by them, because it was a horrible necessity. If Jackie would just nod and say ‘Jeeze Holly, that are some great points you raise there that I will think about’ you just know that that is a lie. Nobody endures a lifechanging event with just a simple nod and a smile. While it isn’t fun, and Holly would most likely apologize and get Jackie a nice treat, this was the painful process that a real friend endured. It isn’t easy, it isn’t a laugh, but if someone you call your friend is going to make a horrible mistake, you point it out![break] [break] Holly wanted to interject at several points during Jackie’s explanation and defence about her being some sort of subhuman that was someone not allowed to be happy, but Holly held her tongue. This was hard for Jackie; a child could see that. You let someone who has this many doubts and uncertainties speak their mind. Holly was simply sitting in her chair, nodding at times and giving small indications that she was listening intently to what her friend had to say.[break] [break] And when Jackie was done with dumping the incredible amount of praise onto Holly, the girl needed a moment. She didn’t seem to be basking in the light that Jackie had shone upon her. It affected her, sure, but it seemed to only make Holly more annoyed the longer it went on. Holly almost became a pink-haired frowny-face emoji. She took a moment to think about what approach she was going to take, like a commander overthinking their battleplan. Placing her hands on her lap, she just began at the point when she thought she was ready. Her tone was a lot calmer, though the hint that she was still fervently frustrated was clear. [break] [break]Frustrated and a bit emotionally drained.[break] [break] “Do you get outside, a lot? I don’t mean on missions. Just…do you often go outside, walk around the streets, and interact with people there? You know that I have done that. It was quite a horrible experience, don’t get me wrong…but you learn a lot with talking to the few people who do seem to at least want to chat for a little bit. Not everybody ignored me, mind you, even if they thought I was a child or crazy. You know what one of the most important things is that we often forget?”[break] [break] Holly paused a moment, both to catch her breath and for some dramatic effect. [break] [break] “Almost nobody really understands how it is to be us. I told many that I had come to Mistral to become a huntress. Those who believed that a girl like me could be such a thing looked at me with awe. Some even thanked me ‘for my service’. We are called huntsman and huntresses, but even on my island in the middle of nowhere, there have always been tales about people like us. People with powers that a lot of people simply do not have. The people on the street look at us and they see heroes or protectors… some even call us bad things; Mascots and bullies-for-hire. They can call us whatever they like, but they do not really know how it is to be us. They just expect us to be ‘something’.”[break] [break] Now placing her left hand on the table, Holly made sure to shift to the front of her seat as she looked intensely at Jackie. “I can walk into a village, touch an apple tree, and I can feed that entire village apples till their stomachs burst. Colton can with a snap of his fingers shape metal that someone without our power could not even bend if he trained their whole life to do it. Niraya can shoot ice from her body with enough force behind it to skewer people. Carmim could kill so many people with her semblance, I think, with an energetic enough drum solo. Solomon….we both know what he could do with even one little mistake in a crowded room.” [break] [break] Holly placed her other hand on the table now, standing up again. While she previously looked to be emotionally drained, she seemed to have gotten her second (or third, or fourth) wind and she got some energy back into her voice again. “You know what I realised? Isn’t it odd that the only real schools that exists to help extraordinary people like us control our powers, also expects us to safeguard Remnant from the Grimm? While I detest combat, I am well aware that I am capable of great feats of power. Some people here need to train their semblance, or else their power would just cause destruction. A power that every one of us here has. The only way that the kingdoms allow us to properly develop who we are in a ‘safe’ environment, does so by forcing us to safeguard Remnant. What I learned by talking to people in the street, who see people with extraordinary power like us, think that the only way that we could possibly live a worthwhile life is to defend people like them. Else you would be either ‘wasting’ your semblance, or you are just a criminal waiting to abuse your power.”[break] [break] Letting go of the table, Holly placed her two hands now on her chest. She was a frail-looking thing with her slender arms on display like this. Skinny, lanky, not in impressive sight safe for one aspect. A fire in her eyes. Holly seemed to be again caring deeply for what she was saying, and these weren’t the words she usually shared with other people. “My power is mine, and mine alone. Do you think that I would train here in this place, get some license that says what a good girl I have been, and live my life travelling from town to town slaying Grimm till one of them slays me? Working from pay to pay, day to day, doing a gruesome job for people who would ignore and despise me if I wasn’t there to help them out with my incredible power? Why should I? Because they expect it to be my duty? Because it is supposed to be my destiny?”[break] [break] Looking away for a moment, shielding her face from Jackie somewhat, Holly seemed to nuance her previous words. “I will do good. I will feed people; I will protect people. My people. My island. An island most people do not know the name off. People worthy to be protected. People who are ignored and forgotten. Where my family lives. Where I was born. Not because anyone here told me to do it. Not because I wouldn’t be on a cereal box if I didn’t do it… but because I chose to do it long ago and I still choose to do it till this day. I chose to be a protector one day long before I needed a society that told me that it was my damned duty for being powerful.”[break] [break] The girl went to sit down in her chair again, now looking again with those same fiery eyes at Jackie. It was a weird determination, completely removed tonally from the happy go lucky girl from earlier. Being swayed by your heart brings you towards distant places of your emotional spectrum. Seeming to now connect her earlier political rant with Jackie herself, Holly continued in a more pronounced way of speaking. [break] [break] “I believe that you think that you are so miserable and that I am so great, because you have gotten it inside of your head that you owe those horrible people in the street for being who you are. That having our powers means that we must do something in return for it. That you someone need to pay, and suffer, and be miserable for being you.” Holly pointed to herself, and then to Jackie. “It is our choice to do with our life. Not theirs. Screw anyone who thinks otherwise. Do you want my honest advice? Learn how to control your powers as best you are able, and leave this damned place. After that, don’t just be forced into a role that you will be miserable in. Find a place or a person that you can be at peace with, and don’t let anyone tell you that you are selfish for doing that. Find a way to be at peace with the power that you have, because you are never going to lose it. You won’t find it in this stupid school that has already filled it in how to be a good person with the power that you have. Maybe you will find it on your own, maybe you won’t. Maybe you would want to be a defender of the people, or maybe you just want to rip people’s hearts out. Whatever the choice at that point of your life will be, it is yours. I think it is the only way you will be happy, Jackie, because I know that at least I will never be happy if I would let others make such a choice for me.” [break] [break] Holly was quite out of breath after her little tirade, have quite literally used the last bit of her lung capacity as she almost collapsed in her chair from speaking too much without proper pauses. Now hanging in that chair, Holly looked pleased for having said what she had just proclaimed. While there was certainly something in them to help Jackie, there was also plenty that portrayed her own believe system about the world. Hearing such words honestly begged the question: ‘How dangerous would such a philosophy be if someone wasn’t as naïve as Holly. If someone with ill-intent would still hold to such beliefs. If Holly would not be an innocent little girl and was exposed to the true horrors of Remnant.[break] [break] Luckily that would never happen, right?
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Semblance: E, Slicer: F, Survival: F, Gardening: F, Martial Arts: F, Healing: F, Acrobatics: F.
[attr="class","trinCredits"]TABLE BY TRINITY @ ADOXOGRAPHY
Post by Jackie Bariole on Apr 27, 2020 23:37:59 GMT -5
Wow. Jackie wasn't really sure where any of that had come from and, as uncomfortably used to the inexplicable as she'd been forced to become, she simply couldn't draw her attention away from it. Partly because she felt like she had just been attacked. If Holly had brought out a mattock and a few vials of fire dust, and set to work on the very foundations of her character, Jackie did not think the strange, pink haired girl could have more effectively undermined how she felt about herself. Which was not to say that Jackie found Holly's argument especially compelling or appropriate. In fact, there was really no shortage of things to pick apart from it. For one thing, Jackie wasn't doing anything because she owed the world anything. At least, she did't think she was. She was doing this because she was unstable, because she was dangerous, and a career of fighting monsters far away from civilization was the best anyone could expect from her. At least, she thought she was. Which was beside the point because, if she did believe she owed people something, it wasn't like she had all that much to give. She was as a failure, a degenerate, a sadist, and a lunatic. At least, she couldn't think of what else she could be. What did she even have to offer the world, if not simply getting out of everyone else's way? She couldn't think of anything.
But that wasn't why all that Holly had said had left Jackie so uncertain of her footing. The truth was, she was hardly certain of anything. Documented facts and academic endeavors not withstanding, Jackie could seldom be certain of her own observations, which was to say nothing of the more esoteric or obfuscated parts of her personality. Half the time, she couldn't even trust her own emotions, and her own thoughts were such a discordant mess that she'd had to pile them all in one spot and construct a dis-associative fantasy around them. So it was Holly's conviction, more than anything else, which left Jackie feeling quite as though she were stood at the top of a particularly steep, particularly long flight of stairs.
For several moments, Jackie simply stared at her hands, too unnerved even to move. It was like moving might be taken to mean something. What, she couldn't even begin to guess. Agreement? Condemnation? Fortune save her, she couldn't even decide if she thought Holly was right or wrong. After all, how much personal responsibility could one take for the state of the planet when it was within one's power to change it? Jackie shied from that line of inquiry, finding it uncomfortably close to something she could conclusively answer, given a fundamental but familiar alteration to her state of mind.
She felt somewhat sick, suddenly. It wasn't just the anxiety, or the vertigo, or whatever other malaise could be attributed to her many neurosis or weak constitution. It was an unsettling sense of becoming unstuck. Of wanting to slide slowly back and into oblivion, where she didn't need to hear what Holly had to say, consider its validity, or even think at all. A place where this could all be someone else's problem, and she could know a brief moment of peace from the never ending cycle of doubt and uncertainty that was her life. How long had it been? How long, since the last time she'd gone away? Since she's given up, given in?
Jackie swallowed. She could almost taste the blood. "How do you decide what your choice is, then?" She asked softly. Her voice sounded so frail, so weak, straining like a piece of spider's silk against the gale of the wind. She hated her voice. She hated how perfectly it suited her. How it quavered ever so softly, how it always sounded like she was out of breath. She hated the nasally sound she put behind her 'E's and the wet sound her lips made when she opened her mouth. "How do you decide if it is even your choice at all?" She didn't want to have this conversation. She didn't want to be there. She wanted to go away, to be away, and to be someone else. It scared her, wanting to be someone else, because she knew just how easy that being could be. Like the web in the wind, it just took a moment of weakness, and she could be far, far away. "It's not as simple as listening to what you want and doing it." But, at the same time, she was terrified she might. That she might slide back into that comforting oblivion, where she didn't need to deal with the things or make decisions she didn't understand. She was afraid of what she might become, if she stopped worrying about all the things which worried her. What she might do, when she did whatever she wanted. "I want things which are incompatible. I can't have it both ways, so I have to choose. How do I decide, when I want both? Do I wait to want one thing more? What if, after I have chosen it, I want the other?" She rubbed her fingers together, imagining them longer, stronger. Imagining being tall and proud, instead of small and spindly. Imagining not being scared all the time, and being confident in herself. "How do you pick between two things you want equally?" Imagining hurting people and not caring. Imagining hurting people and enjoying it. Imagining loving and fighting and fulfilling her every want and desire, without ever stopping to consider how it might impact those around her, being unstoppable. "It is not a matter of introspection. I know what I want, and have the means to acquire it. Perhaps if I dug deep enough, I could find the exterior pressures which make me want what I want, but those outside pressures are so deeply internalized, so much a part of me, that I can't tell where me ends and they begin." Jackie shook her head, wishing her hair wasn't lank, greasy, messy, and always hanging before her eyes. "So, what would you do? If you wanted to help people, and you wanted to help yourself? If you wanted to stop people from being hurt, and you wanted to take what you wanted, no matter who got hurt in the process?" Her mouth was dry, and she fell silent for a time. She wondered if she could ever be at peace with herself, as Holly had put it, or if she was doomed to this state of vacillation. To forever have the means of her own redemption, and to be ever afraid of availing herself of it.
"There is an ethical dilemma," Jackie said quietly, "A trolley is moving down a track with a fork in it. If nothing is done, the trolley will go down the right fork, where it will certainly collide with and kill three people. However, if the track is switched, it will travel the left fork and only kill one person. There's many versions, sometimes the number of people changes, and the conditions of stopping the trolley, but what always remains the same is that it is there's a choice. You have to choose between switching the track, choosing to let one person die, or choose not to switch the tracks and, by your inaction, allow three people to die." Jackie wasn't sure if Holly had heard of the trolley problem before, so she paused to allow the pink haired girl to absorb it. To consider the implications of either choice. When enough time had passed, she continued
"The Dilemma is flawed." She said simply. "Even within its most constrained permutation, four people and one trolley, it's fundamentally flawed." Jackie raised her eyes and looked at Holly, looked her right in the eyes for as long as she could bear, "Can you see how?" She shook her head, then looks back down to her hands. "No matter how the Dilemma is presented, it's implicitly or explicitly stated that the choice is binary. Switch the tracks, or don't, there are no other options. But that is not true, is it? There is at least three options, or as few as one. The third option is simply allowing someone else to decide for you. Even in its most constrained permutation, you can still allow someone else to decide, even if it means not realizing you've done so. Upbringing, culture, society, morality. All instances of someone else making decisions for you. Even making the decision for yourself is only done to confirm what you expect of yourself, or what is expected of you. So three choices becomes a single option. Switch the tracks or don't, there's no other choice, nor was there any to begin with."
Jackie rubbed her fingers together, feeling the slick wetness of her sweaty palms with disgust, and then curled her fingers loosely together. "There's even a fourth option," She said, and her voice grew slightly stronger, richer, fuller. For a few moments, it wasn't as breathy, or as weak, or as quavery. "You could not care, and not decide at all." Jackie blinked. She was sitting up straight in her seat, and pressing down hard on the table in front of her. So hard, she could feel the wood creaking. She sagged back in her seat, made her hands rise from the table to touch her face, as if to ensure it was how she remembered it being. "I'm sorry." she said, voice quavery and quiet once more, "I don't know what I'm talking about. I don't even really know what I was trying to say, telling you all that. I am not every good at rhetoric..."
Post by Holly Hock on May 23, 2020 16:58:36 GMT -5
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Oh no did I break her?! [break][break]
After recovering from speaking again for an extended period of time, Holly hadn’t heard a clever response from Jackie. Looking across the table while still being tuckered out in her chair, Holly considered if she had actually blown Jackie’s mind. They always say how being confronted with the truth can do that. Would this count as assault? Verbal assault? Can you get in trouble for speaking truth bombs?[break][break]
And then Jackie started to speak again. Like an attentive friend, Holly rose up in her seat and placed her hands on the table to be fully absorbed again with what Jackie was about to say. She spoke so quietly though, so Holly did not even hear the first sentence. Her own heart was racing at this point, and she was not about to stop any time soon. Still, she was again going to let Jackie speak all of her thoughts again, for fear of her otherwise being too afraid to complete her thoughts. Holly actually wanted to hear Jackie’s views on such things, and if she tried to alter them in any way or shape. [break][break]
Jackie…she sounded like one of Shadecloak’s ethics classes. Not the boring ones in which you learn about how dead people and not so dead people thought about how you needed to look at things like good or bad. The fun ones were those in which you needed to explain to others how you looked at things in the world. You could always use the arguments from those dead guys, but where is the honesty in that. Everybody can read in a book that torturing babies is bad, but if you honestly need a book to tell you that and you cannot even listen to your own heart… what is even the point? You are already a baby torturer at heart if you are so cruel that you would even consider torturing babies in the first place![break][break]
Still, Jackie seemed to be concerned with more of those ‘edge cases’ that Shadecloak talked about. How do you make a choice when the choice is hard. Or well, harder! Holly first interjected briefly when Jackie had fallen silent shortly before explaining the trolley dilemma. Hopefully not enough to completely derail the other girl’s trolley of thought, but she couldn’t help herself by adding: “I would do what I wanted when I wanted it. Luckily, I don’t want to hurt people! Go world!” Not a valid way to base a sane morality, but hey…at least she is cute.[break][break]
When Jackie brought up trolleys, Holly was again reminded that she heard that one before. Again, in Shadecloak’s classes. The pinkette seemed to have understood the basic concept and nodded along at the explanation. When asked if Holly saw the flaw in the dilemma, all that she chimed in at the moment was: “Railways should have better safety measures?” Despite understanding the basic problem at hand, she did not seem to find thoughts experiments that important. Still, when Jackie gave the option of simply not doing anything…Holly did found at least enough interest in the answer to give a more proper response that wasn’t meant as a joke. Still, something odd had happened. Jackie had spoken in like…an odd voice? Was she feeling ill? Holly seemed concerned for a moment, trying to look if Jackie saw pale…or well… paler than she normally looked. She also touched her face? Finding the whole occurrence odd, but not that alarming that she would not respond to the query, Holly decided to…well, give her full-blown Holly opinion.[break][break]
“Hmm, I never like these kinds of experiments in Shadecloak’s class. They like…never really are about…you know…be in that moment. If I would stand there, as Huntress-in-training Holly, I would most likely not even know how to stop a trolley. Besides, we can stop it with our bodies if we are fast enough. I can easily use my plants to stop a stupid trolley, I think. But fine if I was a random passer-by and I would need to make the choice as it is laid before me by the stupid experiment…hmm…I would most likely kill the three people.”[break][break]
Clearing her throat for a moment, Holly continued with her twisted logic. She had her hands on her lap and went merrily along with her own sense of moral righteousness. [break][break]
“If the three people die, they will leave behind three sets of orphans, and mourners, and other people who would hate to have a member of their family be killed. That is all horrible, but you can bring the news gently. Get them some flowers, give their kids a nice education to not make them orphans. If the one person dies, you got less sad people later on, that is true. But consider this. If you are at this ‘place of trolleys’ you need to deal with either one person seeing three people die in front of them, or you need to deal with three people seeing one person die in front of them. Seeing a person die in front of you by an oncoming trolley will most likely be a traumatic experience. That isn’t something that you can just walk off, I think. Leaving one traumatised person in the world is something that I rather have, than having three traumatized people. Three people with…uhm…what was it called? Survivor’s guilt?”[break][break]
Seeming to actually believe her own delusions, she went on with butchering a classic philosophical case about morality with the logic that even smarter-than-average toddlers would find questionable.[break][break]
“Because, three dead people is sad and gives a lot of problems, but having three people in the world who are traumatised is even worse! First, you got the possibility of Grimm at the scene. One traumatised person is better than three traumatised people. Then you need to deal with everything after that. They will like… hit their kids or get an addiction because they cannot escape the sights they have seen! They will divorce their wives or husbands and get into affairs! They will continue to carry on all that pain. Besides, you can give people a nice service when they die, and mourning can be beautiful. Our spirits go on after we die anyway. We float like happy little clouds in the universe. You can manage grief, I think. If you do it correctly.” Not that Holly has ever experienced true loss before to base that claims on anything other than what just felt right in this moment.[break][break]
Being out of breath again, Holly made sure to properly breathe again for a few moments. She honestly seemed like an overly excited child, though one who was discussing life or death questions. Seeming to realise that she hadn’t even addressed Jackie’s passivity argument, or that Jackie sounded weirdly gravely in her voice for a moment, all that Holly had to add about that was: “Also, about letting other people make choice…or not doing anything at all…uhm…why do you not want to make a choice? Do you care about what you expect for yourself, or what other people think about you? If you care too much about what other people want from you…you are not going to be very happy. I..uhm…” [break][break]
Seeming to reach full circle again towards getting reflective again about her own sense of self, Holly thought again for a few moments with that beautiful and strangely mesmerizing logic that she called following her heart. “I don’t think that I will become happy with doing everything just because other people expect it of me. I have been trying to do that for months now, but I don’t know if it works for me. I don’t really know what people here expect of me, or if I can truly be that kind of person for them. Maybe I need to become more like the person who I wish to be…but I don’t think I really know who that person is.” She said rather sullenly now, and her brow was furrowed for a moment as she thought real hard about the undeniable truths that she did know about herself. “I only know certain that I love my family, plants, and Ryan. I hate snow and rude people. My heart tells me this all, and I trust my heart more than anything else. It is where our soul is housed.” Looking again at Jackie for a moment, Holly asked the same question she had just asked herself. “If you are uncertain about so many things in your life, are there at least some things that you are totally super certain about?”[break][break]
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Words: 1413, Thread Total: 16809
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Aura: 97%
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Semblance: E, Slicer: F, Survival: F, Gardening: F, Martial Arts: F, Healing: F, Acrobatics: F.
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Post by Jackie Bariole on May 24, 2020 23:31:48 GMT -5
"If I am being honest, there's very little I am certain of," Jackie replied, this time after only a few seconds of contemplative silence, "As you've so eloquently demonstrated, even well worn problems can have multiple solutions and reasonings therefore. It's my observation that few things have a clear cut answer or explanation." She looked slightly sick at the mention of 'clear cut' answers, and felt that stirring inside of her, defying her nuanced view of things. It was not hard to argue for a binary, even singular, perspective of the world, and she could feel those arguments wanting to come tumbling out of her mouth, spoken in someone else's voice. It was getting bad. "In fact, it seems that the more I understand about the world, the fewer things I truly know. Every experiment, a new exception, every experience, a new quandary."
Jackie shook her head, ending her momentary contemplation of just how little she knew and how much less of that she was even slightly confident in. It was a rabbit hole, one without a bottom, with nothing but twists and turns to lose her way in. "Even things like love and hate. I would say I love my parents, my brother, but do I? How can I be certain? With how very fallible I am, how can I take my own emotions for granted? How does one test for a subjective emotion? Does my definition of Love and yours even mean the same thing?" Maybe it was a bit pedantic, but Jackie lived a life devoid of certainty, and not for lack of trying to find it. She wasn't sure she could adequately express her abject lack of confidence, nor even fully explain it. "I take things for granted for simplicity's sake, because worrying over minutia would unnecessarily complicate what I already find to be an overwhelmingly complex existence, but I don't know how much, if any of it, is true. How can I? My perceptions, my prejudices, my experiences, they're the marks by which all my knowledge must be measured, and that is a remarkably narrow lens." She smiled, somewhat weakly, "Even my cynicism, my distrust, is a prejudice which colors my opinions, and it is one I can not be certain is correct. Even though it is the primary reason I find it so difficult to take anything truly for granted." Perhaps it was all getting a bit too metaphysical, especially for a conversation with a girl she'd only recently met, but such quandaries were never far from Jackie's mind, least of all when they could throw doubt on her own tenuously held beliefs. "I would like to think I love my family, but therein lies the trouble. I would like to think I do. For whatever reason, I have the expectation of myself as being someone capable of love. For whatever reason, I recognize that I should love my family. Is this thing I feel, when I think about my mother and father and brother, that? Is it love, or an obligation I've set myself?" "It shouldn't be that difficult, should it? To know the difference between a genuine feeling, and something I only think I should feel? But it is. I find it all very overwhelming, when I consider the sheer complexity, the sheer enormity, that is just 'feeling' something. Have you ever tried to figure out where a thought came from? Can you dig down deep enough to find its true root? Or is it all just loose justification your mind has wrapped around a subconscious decision, your conscious mind pretending it has any control over what you actually say or do." Jackie laughed, and there was something vaguely manic about it, "Even these thoughts that I'm sharing right now. Are these my thoughts, or are they the way I have tricked myself into justifying my behavior to myself?"
"It must seem strange, that I can't be certain about such things. I don't think other people worry even a tenth as much as I do about where their feelings, their impulses, their emotions, their actions, or their desires come from. When I was six, my mother had to buy me seven identical dresses, because I found choosing what I wore too difficult." Jackie winced, "And I really wish I hadn't admitted that, and am not even sure why I did. I usually don't talk this much, and certainly not so candidly..."
Having said all of that, having thrown doubt onto even the most surface level conclusions, Jackie suddenly felt compelled to think of at least one thing she was certain of, if only to change the subject before Holly could ask for more details about her childhood fashion choices. "I like..." Reading? Reading was an escape but was also, almost as often, a reminder that she didn't think or behave like a normal person. In fact, the same could be said for most forms of media or entertainment, which often depicted people like her as a target for ridicule or pity. Experimentation? Often a source of profound satisfaction, but also a significant source of stress and frustration. It was also one of the most pointless things she did, given that she was sure nothing she ever discovered would be meaningful in anyway. Learning? Did she really enjoy it though, or was it her abject confusion which drove her towards it, in the fallacious hope that it might render some part of her existence explicable? Jackie sagged in her seat. She was so pathetic in her indecision, unable to even think of one thing she could unambiguously claim to like or enjoy. It almost felt like she was trying to think of ways to disqualify the obvious answers, but she could not think of any rational reason she might do such a thing. "I like chocolate." She said finally, "I hate..." Even that was difficult to come up with a definitive example for. In the end, she could only think of one. I hate how I am. I don't enjoy being this way, and knowing its different from the way most other people are. I don't like being a weird, awkward, cowardly, indecisive human being, and I don't like that I've continued in my efforts to drag this whole conversation back to my own wallowing self pity. "I hate prawns and shellfish. I think they are disgusting and look like giant insects."
Post by Holly Hock on Jul 24, 2020 19:19:23 GMT -5
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Holly didn't really understand why Jackie had this much trouble with simple things like experiencing love. She also didn't know why anyone would question why they loved their parents in this much detail. Is that not something that every child just does? Because they make sure you didn't starve to death when you had small little baby legs and arms. And because they gave you hugs, and kisses, and made sure that you had sisters to play with. That takes time and effort. Holly loved her parents dearly, but even though she was very much certain about that...she could also understand someone not liking their parents. [break] [break]
If Jackie had said that she hated her parents, Holly could at least somewhat comprehend those words and the feelings. Holly heard the tales and the legends. Of parents that are actually unkind to their children. Who do not give them hugs and kisses! But give them beatings and no sisters to play with! Some parents might even say that they hate their children. Like they do in stories, but then in real life! If your parents are indeed that awful, which Holly still wasn't certain about, Holly could see someone truly hating their parents. [break] [break]
In between love and hate though...there was an area that was more uncertain, as Jackie seemed to view everything. Holly never really questioned her own feelings as in-depth as Jackie seemed to have. Having thoughts about feelings and what they really mean... What anything means at all. She didn't really saw the point of such a deep exploration of the self. Holly was fine with not knowing everything for certain. She commented on her own point of view when Jackie exclaimed about how candorly she was. [break] [break]
"Well! Considering that I could have a heart attack or something else happen to me at any moment of the day... I don't really worry about knowing everything. Still, I am not saying how you should feel or act. If you already was like this when you were six, I don't think our little chat will change anything. All I can say is, why would your emotions be any less valid than trying to find reason in everything? Both come from that beautiful head of yours, and both are a part of you. Maybe you should let those mushy feelings take the reins every once in a while. Give that smart part a break. I would like to meet this free-spirited Jackie!"
[break] [break] If only you knew, Holly. If only you knew.[break] [break]
Holly saw how Jackie struggled with simply stating how she liked chocolate and how she hated prawns. Those are surface-level desires! Still, Holly was still somewhat proud of Jackie, and the girl clapped with genuine pride at the other girl overcoming that obstacle in her mind. Sure, it was like a child reading her first word while her peers could already read full sentences...but it was something. Holly chimed in with her monotonous tone. "See! You like and hate some things! They might be surface things, but it is something." Seeming to want to keep going, Holly continued. "You said before that you find me hard to define. Do you like or hate someone else in this school? You must have spoken to at least a few other people! I won't tell! I will even start!"[break] [break]
Holly began her presentation with the hints of a smile forming on her face. Her voice sounded genuinely happy and gentle. "I like and love Ryan! He is my boyfriend! He spoke to me when I thought I couldn't make a friend and now he is even my boyfriend! He makes me happy, and I wanted to make him happy! That is all I want for him. To be happy, because he deserves to be that!" The girl could spend dragging out her admiration and frustration about Ryan for the next few hours, but that was beside the point. She wanted Jackie to open up, and this was only a teaser. An example that she could copy. To truly give both sides of the spectrum, Holly continued with the other end of how she felt about people. "I don't like Nasrin! We had a falling out and I regret how things ended! I am afraid of her because she wanted to fight me really bad and I don't want to encourage that kind of behaviour! Also, she beat up Kishka! Or...it was more like Kishka wanted a fight and then got beat up and I don't really know what to do about it!"
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Words: 758, Thread Total: 17557
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Aura: 97%
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Semblance: E, Slicer: F, Survival: F, Gardening: F, Martial Arts: F, Healing: F, Acrobatics: F.
[attr="class","trinCredits"]TABLE BY TRINITY @ ADOXOGRAPHY