Post by Holly Hock on Jul 17, 2020 20:59:49 GMT -5
[nospaces]
[attr="class","RDtemplate1"]
[attr="class","RDtable1"]
[attr="class","RDimage"] |
[attr="class","RDcontainer"] [attr="class","RDcontent"] What do you do when you have just asked someone to kill you, and they seem to be going along with it? [break] [break] Holly had a solid window of a few seconds in which she placed the request to be on the evening news, and when Bianca finally had that sword in her hand ready to strike. The crazed botanist was shivering and not quite there, worrying more about Ryan than about herself. Still, even in this state, there was a moment in which Holly could look around the room she maybe was going to die in. A moment of clarity, though not directed at talking herself out of her own plan. Nah, she was fine with however things played out. As far as places to commit assisted suicide in, it was not that bad.[break] [break] Nice lighting to display a body.[break] [break] Easy access for the authorities.[break] [break] A sturdy wooden floor that is easy to clean.[break] [break] Solid 8/10. [break] [break] The people who were in the diner had been staring at the soap opera scene for a while now. Holly believed that she saw no children, so that is good. Do not want them to see this. Should I ask Bianca to off me in the alley? The closest person nearby was some old man. He must know death in some shape or form, even if it was just his dog dying or something. Does he-[break] [break] Holly’s moment of pre-homicidal lucidity was dashed when she noticed that Bianca already had her sword in her hand. Magenta eyes turned large. So soon? Wait! Can’t we do this outside! Holly wanted to speak. She wanted to say, or shout, that she changed her mind. That she didn’t want to be cut into thin slices. All that Holly could do despite asking for this, despite giving solid reasons why Bianca should do it, and despite being a total bitch about it, Holly flinched and cowered when Bianca rose her sword up high. [break] [break] That little voice that told her that Holly would do anything and everything if Ryan kept hurting himself was gone the moment she was faced with the actual consequences of her actions and words. Holly is a coward true and true as she had her aura up and hadn’t lowered it for even a moment. She didn’t want to live in pain, but she was also so very afraid of doing anything to properly end it when it came down to it. She feared the prospect of being slashed in two and bleeding out on this nice wooden floor. She was disgusted with having people clean up the mess. She was horrified and afraid by all of that icky stuff.[break] [break] She was also afraid of simply going on though. [break] [break] To keep on going and going in this endless cycle of hurt and hurting others. Of disappointments and disappointing others. Holly didn’t want to hurt people. She could name it as being in the top 5 things she didn’t want to do. She still did it though. Mostly without her intent. Mostly things happened that you didn’t wanted to happen. Out of your control. Holly could live with that. What she struggled with were the rare few occasions that she did have some influence on the situation. Even if she never went ahead with being solely focused on making the lives of other people miserable, her actions still very much caused just that to happen. That were the hard moments. When it was something you said or did that make other people’s lives difficult or just outright shittier. That are the choices that gnaw at you at night. [break] [break] Had I just said A instead of B.[break] [break] Had I just done this instead of that.[break] [break] Still, bad choices seem to keep stacking up. When you made one stupid mistake that you feel bad about, Holly just seemed to let that effect the next choice. And the one after that. And maybe even the one that came after that one. Like a game of self-destructive behaviour dominos. Holly was afraid what horrible thing she would do after this one. Would she push a baby-stroller down a hill? Ruin a wedding? Let more people die in her arms? All of which equally bad outcomes! The kind of things that make you afraid to even get out of bed in the morning to play that game of how you will fuck-up other people’s life.[break] [break] So, stuck between fearing for her life and fearing that she will live, Holly just cowered with her aura on without taking any action to stop the failed attempt at murder.[break] [break] Holly awaited the weapon to bonk her on the head, but no bonk seemed to come. [break] [break] There came a clatter and a shatter, as the sword fell on the ground.[break] [break] And Bianca spoke up. Holly stopped cowering with her aura shielding her, as her eyes looked at Bianca to see what gives. After Bianca spoke about how she didn’t hate Holly, she started to focus her mind again on other matters than her own life or death. While she was not in danger, Ryan still was! All that she could muster as an answer was a meek tone of voice as her eyes started to look around again. “But Ryan…”[break] [break] This lack of focus made Holly be the victim of her hair being pulled and her head shaken around. The pinkette’s response was whimpering in annoyance at the pain and the treatment. She didn’t seem to be actually angry at being handled like this. It was honestly a rather new experience that Holly didn’t knew what to think about. She couldn’t remember the last time her hair was pulled at all, and she was more so surprised at the sensation and not being able to cope with this change.[break] [break] All of that focus returned when Holly was asked a question that brought Holly’s full attention back again.[break] [break] If she had ever called an innocent person.[break] [break] Holly stopped struggling after that. She just stood motionless after being asked that question.[break] [break] Because she did do that thing.[break] [break] She didn’t say that she did the thing, but she did the thing. Technically.[break] [break] Holly was listening attentively to Bianca, but she didn’t open her mouth till the Faunus brought up hurting others by killing herself. It was in a very soft tone. “I am sorry…” It was a pitiful response to everything that was being said, but the pinkette didn’t had the courage to come up with anything in the form of a more proper response. [break] [break] She continued with being a passive object till right about the moment Bianca said that only love can conquer hate. Holly wanted to believe those words applied to her, but she didn’t feel like they did. With more certainty in her voice, Holly answered. [break] [break]“Everything and everyone I love, I also hurt. I don’t want that…but I don’t think I can…or knowhow. Even when I care…I got too much hurt in me not to let it flow over when I want to be kind.”[break] [break] The less forceful hair-holding was enough for Holly to focus her thoughts again as she did not have the distracting pain on her skull to focus upon. Of course, her thoughts were almost immediately going back to Ryan again and how he was still not being searched for! Being told to calm down almost never actually calms people down, but the shake was enough to get Holly to shut up before she could complain about Ryan again herself. Holly seemed to be mostly calm, though still jumpy and panicked to an extent, when Bianca dropped the bombshell. [break] [break] Big deal?[break] [break] Holly blinked a few times as she thought she heard the words incorrectly. Despite the already copious number of tears that she had already shed, Holly couldn’t keep herself from becoming teary-eyed at letting those words sink in. Bianca was wrong, of course. The words still hurt though. Even if they were wrong. Holly had harmed people. Holly did have a cornucopia of other shitty experiences that weighed heavily on her mind and soul. All that she could muster to say in response to this was the following plea. “Shut up…”[break] [break] Not the most eloquent defence, but it sufficed for now. It wasn’t even said as a threat or anything forceful. It was like a six-year-old saying the words without knowing that you needed to shout them at someone. The tone was more in line with Holly asking for a juice box than asking Bianca to psychoanalyse anyone.[break] [break] Being finally released from the imprisonment of hair holding, Holly had at least heard enough to let her mind think about things other than killing herself. Not that the act would have been very effective in the first place with Holly having backed out the moment her life would actually be endangered. Holly’s mind was not yet at ease about Ryan though, not till Holly had seen that message. Holly looked at the line of text like it was a sacred text. A sign. The girl gave a slight smile as well, and her heart jumped for a moment. Ryan was not dead! And he was taking a nap! “Good…good…Ryan will sleep…and…and…” The girl fell silent. [break] [break] Now what?[break] [break] Ryan wasn’t dead.[break] [break] Holly wasn’t dead.[break] [break] Bianca and Mary were as fine as Faunus could be.[break] [break] Holly hadn’t committed a slaughter in a small cake-café.[break] [break] What now?[break] [break] Holly looked at Bianca for a moment. The kooky botanist still didn’t look well. Her frail body was shaking slightly, her pink hair being an all-around mess times two after being pulled, her head was still darting around the room looking frantically, and she had some Bianca-blood on her dress. All in all the girl looked like she belonged more in a straight jacket than in a school uniform. [break] [break] Looking at Bianca, Holly’s head cocked to the side slightly as she tried to speak. That didn’t work. Holly cocked her head to the other side. Better. Being both tired and hyped-up from adrenaline caused her voice to be funny. Not threatening to kill herself and everyone in the room kind of voice, but odd all the same. “I…uhm… how many…do you think someone should see?”[break] [break] Not clear enough.[break] [break] “Dead people, I mean.”[break] [break] Not helping![break] [break] “What you said. About Ryan? This being all about Ryan…uhm…maybe…that…”[break] [break] Breathe and try again.[break] [break] “I did try and find help. After Rochdale. After what happened. We talked a bit about Ryan too. Talking with Doc, and others. It helped at the moment but… I uhm…never got an answer to that question for myself…” Holly took a slight step towards Bianca. Her voice was just a bit too loud to be having this kind of talk in a café where you are already the centre of attention. [break] [break] “How many people can someone see turn to bloody shreds right before their eyes…and still think that everything is just like before that moment? Is there a number of people that you can see maimed on the ground, riddled with bullets, and still be all right with being taught classes by the same person who did that?”[break] [break] Holly answered her own question.[break] [break] “I don’t know the number, but I have long since reached it. It is not that I...that I stopped caring…I think. I don’t uhm…I care about things. I do not really use my head a lot in making choices. I feel strongly about things. I do things that feel good, or feel right. But…since Rochdale…”[break] [break] Hmm, not really true.[break] [break] “Even before Rochdale…this place…Haven. Mistral. I don’t know how to feel about a lot of things. About what I am doing. What I am supposed to be doing. About people. About myself. I thought I always had a compass that leads me right where I needed to go. It is different now, and it just leads me to more misery. Like I am attracted to it. Like a moth to a flame.”[break] [break] Holly was rambling, and deep down she knew she was. She could not tell her how she was truly feeling. She did not know the words for it at this moment. Standing close to Bianca for another moment, Holly tried her best again like the lunatic she very much appeared to be.[break] [break] “I can’t be happy. That is ruined. To be truly happy. You do not see all of that and be truly happy. I tried…it just doesn’t stick. I don’t stay happy. I also don’t want to feel nothing. That is a hole I climbed out off. Feeling nothing is worse than feeling something, feeling anything. What is left? Feeling angry? Lying about being happy? Being sad? All of that is better than feeling nothing…but it is also not something you want to stay in for ever. With your heart.”[break] [break] Summarize.[break] [break] “I…I can’t be happy, but I also can’t feel nothing. So…I do not know what to feel or be. One week I am sad, one week I am angry, one week I think I am happy, and one day I just do something like I did today. I thought for a long while that I was fine…but I am not. I don’t know how long I can keep going…I am…lost.”[break] [break] Holly groaned for a moment, before she stumbled over towards the table and seated the two of them occupied earlier. She sat down on the same chair as before. Her body hurt, even though she did not know exactly why. Not being kicked out of the café just yet, Holly continued by turning towards Bianca. The pink girl looked to be in slight pain and discomfort as she spoke. “I…thank you for listening…and being here for me. I know that people care for me…I don’t know how to make things better. I tried talking about what upset me, I tried ignoring my problems, I tried lashing out. I don’t know what to do next.” [break] [break] |
[attr="class","RDtemplate2"]
[attr="class","RDtable2"]
[attr="class","RDwortag"] Words: 2315, Thread Total: 8716 | [attr="class","RDwortag"] Aura: 100% |
[attr="class","RDnotes"] Semblance: C, Wildflower: E, Survival: F, Gardening: F, Scroll-usage: F, Martial Arts: F, Healing: E, Acrobatics: F, Stamina: E |
[attr="class","trinCredits"]TABLE BY TRINITY @ ADOXOGRAPHY
[newclass=".RDtemplate1 table td"]padding: 0px !important;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDtemplate2 table td"]padding: 5px !important;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDtable1"]width:500px;border-bottom:10px solid #ddcc99;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDimage"]background-position:center center;height:200px;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDcontainer"]background-image:url('https://i.pinimg.com/originals/e6/ae/72/e6ae72caa612790626359cf9d0357f4f.gif');padding:20px;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDcontent"]background-color:white;padding:10px;text-align:justify;font-family:georgia;font-size:11px;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDtable2"]width:470px;background-color:#666666;padding:15px;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDwortag"]background-color:#aa9977;color:white;padding:5px;text-align:center;text-transform:uppercase;font-family:georgia;font-size:11px;[/newclass]
[newclass=".RDnotes"]background-color:#E08ED3;color:white;padding:5px;text-align:center;text-transform:uppercase;font-family:georgia;font-size:11px;[/newclass]
[newclass=".trinCredits"]font-family:arial narrow;font-size:10px;font-style:italic;letter-spacing:1px;[/newclass]
Colour: E08ED3